Junkie Munkie - ecce blog quam est fabulae

Alive

2009-07-29T08:08:00.003+01:00

I am still in a condition as said title. Been pretty busy with crazy life events, but hopefully will continue tapping away for your general amusement soon.

Meanwhile, the true reason for me writing this blog post......

New Tab

Something to make life easier for me, and no, I'm not explaining.

New office

2008-11-28T12:06:00.003Z

I have a new office,
It is so clean.
However I can't take pictures yet
cos the server is so mean.
However I managed to snap one at the left
when she was looking to the right
So I can let you guys know bit by bit
How my new workplace is like!

Hiatus

2008-11-14T19:34:00.002Z

Hi all - was away for a mind-crushing 6-week project that basically took everything I had to offer, including my sleep time. Never knew I could get along with just two hours of sleep a day without becoming cataclysmically (sp?) ill, but I managed it.

Have taken a couple of weeks off to recover and address other commitments that have fallen astray in the course of this project, and time to do some thinking.

Be back soon, sorry for the prolonged and uninformed hiatus.

I will Punch Him In the Raptor Balls

2008-10-03T15:06:00.001+01:00

Quick piece of boliaoness from me. Been very goddam busy at the moment.

1 minute, 35 seconds

Psst...Your Ass is Showing

2008-09-30T17:43:00.003+01:00

This was taken last week. It's still there - don't know when authorities are going to remove it. Or maybe it's a weird work of art that seems to be the London rage nowadays.

Here's my bit to report on the credit crunch - bankers still love to drink even if they're not making money. Honestly guys, stop saying bankers deserve it, good for you bla bla bla. Bankers aren't great savers, they spend all their money on random crap, i.e. the rest of the economy! If they fall, you guys fall too.

Lunch during the weekend at St Paul's Cathedral.

Birthdays

2008-09-25T16:44:00.002+01:00

I've not a great track record for birthdays. Here's some I remember.

For my 21st birthday.....

I had a solitary drink with myself in a cold house in an abandoned town, emptied out as students left for holidays.... Got a huge chunk of chocolate from a fierce friend though :)

For my 22nd birthday.....

One of the few good ones, yay! One flew halfway across the world and I had cheesecake :)

For my 23rd birthday.....

I was homeless (really) cause my snake of a real-estate agent welshed on getting my apartment ready for me to move into.

I'll try and do better this year.

Movie Premiere tonight - How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

2008-09-24T14:03:00.005+01:00

Movie premiere at Leicester Square again - learnt it from the YellowCapGuy who's always at every premiere imaginable in Leicester Square.

Watch it happen around 6pm GMT at this webcam...

I think all the main people are slated to come, Kirsten Dunst, Simon Pegg and Megan Fox.

Now most people don't believe me, but I've met Kirsten (randomly, not as a celebrity) when I was in university. I literally bumped into her at a college bar and chatted with her for a while. It was amazingly informal, no one was screaming and asking her for autographs or any of that celebrity nonsense. It was all quite chilled out - she told me she was here for a formal with a friend. I finished up with a "good for you, enjoy the rest of your evening".

Then I went outside and madly dialled people I knew in that college to come down to the bar, Kirsten Dunst is here.

No one believed me.

Useless.

I thought it would be rude to snap a picture of her since she clearly wasn't in 'celebrity-mode', so instead I opted for the even ruder route of indiscreetly snapping one. The picture is in my hard disk at home, so maybe I'll get around to uploading it later.

Anyways, so yeah if you're near Leicester Square and want to see them, head on over today. And say hi to YellowCapGuy (you can see him in my pics from the SATC premiere).

Ciao, gotta go off and pretend to do something useful.

Strangely Gross but Engaging Random Activity

2008-09-23T15:27:00.002+01:00

I highly recommend the Amazing Flash Spider. Is it a clip? Is it a game? I don't know, but it sure is entertaining.

To the Lady in Front of Me Before Touching Out at Leicester Square Tube

2008-09-23T10:20:00.003+01:00

To:
The Lady in Front of Me Before Touching Out at Leicester Square Tube
Leicester Square Tube Station
London

Your railcard is in the wrong way! THE WRONG WAY!

Turn it the other way ROUND! No, no don't flip it! NOOOO that's not going to work!

Who uses a rail card anyway? It's 2008! Use an Oyster card! Here, take mine!

Ok, rail card's in, take the card out and go! GO! The doors are going to close! You can't stop in the middle of the turnstile to adjust your coat!

Aaaaand you're exquisitely stuck.

Why do I always choose the best queue lines?

Practical Advice for the General Public

2008-09-22T10:51:00.003+01:00

How is this Wise?

2008-09-18T13:05:00.002+01:00

Most Brits can't cook, everyone knows that.

Ok, maybe apart from Gordon Ramsay and the host of celebrity chefs you can find around London. What I mean is if you yonk any Tom, Dick or Harry off the street, chances are they can't cook to save their life.

I'm not saying my culinary skills are any reason for salutations either, but look what I found while browsing in Marks and Sparks:

Less-than-single-serving, already cooked sealed-in-pack white rice. "Just pop bag in microwave oven and cook for 90 seconds!", proclaims the bag.

I never really understood what was it with the UK and cooking rice. Seriously, is it that hard? I've never seen the equivalent of this for pasta, for example. And pasta is like the staple diet of students across the country. Surely if one can cook pasta, one can also cook rice effectively?

At 79p for cooked rice, that's got to be the best business model ever. How is that a Wise Buy, now I ask you.

Faux pas of the day.....or was it?

2008-09-16T10:27:00.003+01:00

[when chatting to a colleague about wanting to get a larger home]

Cat: ....So you know, since we have a 2 bedroom, and one of it is kind of a study/bedroom really, and we have one bathroom, we need a larger place because we always have guests over. It's fine usually for me and my husband, but when we have a guest over we're usually always on top of each other all the time.

FreeSpirit: When I have a guest over we're always on top of each other.

All: .....

*******************************

Ah, I love FreeSpirit, she's funneh.

A happy man in the morning

2008-09-04T10:52:00.006+01:00

Good morning! A happy camper spotted on the way to work. Stopped to take a photo even though I looked like a classic idiotic tourist and was already an hour late to work. Be grateful.

We are the proud to is Malaysian

2008-09-02T09:28:00.005+01:00

Remember the song from the earlier days?

We are proud to be Malaysian

With a leader of great ability

There will always be peace and prosperity

And respect of the world community

With Badawi, Najib, Anwar creating headlines worthy of The Sopranos or The Godfather (Leader of Great Ability, or rather Leaders of Great Abilities, note that they don't say Leader of Great Integrity, which would probably be wrong, but Ability which I largely agree with, actually)...

And random yelling, scratching and hair-pulling recently in Permatang Pauh, with cost of living, oil hikes and Budget issues (Peace and Prosperity)...

With the increasing interest of the FT, Economist and other international newspapers (due to our leaders' love triangle going on), I'm not sure how that is Respect of the World Community, but I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.

Then Dad sends me this clipping from the NST. Please tell me it's a spoof.

*******************************

ADVERTORIAL
New Straits Times
23 August 2008, page 43

HONORARY DEGREE AWARD
7TH CONVOCATION CEREMONY UNIVERSITY TUN HUSSEIN ONN MALAYSIA
TO
YANG AMAT MULIA RAJA ZARITH SOFIAH BINTI ALMARHUM
SULTAN IDRIS AL-MUTAWAKIL ALALLAHI SHAH
D.K.II, S.P.M.J., S.P.C.M.

Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah binti Almarhum Sultan Idris Al-Mutawakil Alallahi Shah has born on 14th of August 1959 in Hospital Batu Gajah, Perak. Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith is a third son to Duli Yang Maha Mulia Paduka Seri Sultan Perak Darul Ridzwan and Duli Yang Maha Mulia Raja Mazuwin binti almarhum Raja Arif Shah.

Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah get early education in Sekolah Rendah Jenis Kebangsaan Datin Khadijah Kuala Kangsar in the state his birthplace namely in Perak. After end of the education in primary school, Yang Amat Mulia continue the education to form one at Sekolah Jenis Kebangsaan Raja Perempuan Kalsom Kuala Kangsar, Perak.

In the month of September 1972, Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah have set forth to England for further education in Chaltenham Ladies College, Gloucestershire to form six. Then, Yang Amat Mulia continue learning it in Davies College London in September 1977 and his following year in receive enter to Somerville College, London after having passed Oxford Entrance Examination.

After graduated at Oxford University with Bachelor of Art in June 1983 and follow the traditional University of Oxford, Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith will receive Master of Art after three years in 1986. Yang Amat Mulia also is a linguist follow several courses including language Mandarin at the tertiary level, French and Italy language.

As his father, Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah is a person that talented in picture arts. Refinement of soul, Yang Amat Mulia always watching natural beauty environment immortalize in the form photograph and painting to make look and reference. Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith performance become guide to deliver the message education to general public. Yang Amat Mulia concern on women and natural world and it custody aspect in become deep theme in painting.

Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah comply have interest profoundest field documentation. Apart from producing book, Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith doubled up guest writer in the The New Straits Times newspapers and in personal column it “Mind Matters” in The Star newspaper. Besides writing, Yang Amat Mulia comply active presenting a working paper at the conference national level and international.

Education from her father and mother over concern to the people, make Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah likes engaged in voluntary activities about as Deputy President of Majlis Wanita Johor (ROSE), Chief of Persatuan Pandu Puteri Malaysia Johor branch, Chairman of Nationalistic Community Service Red Crescent Malaysia, Patron of Spastic Children School in Johor Bahru, Patron Rotary Club of Tebrau Foundation, Advisor of Traditional Arts School International in London and become Pro Chancellor University Technology Malaysia (UTM) and becomen Royal Felllow Faculty of Language and Linguistic University Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM).

As the appreciation towards her contributions of ideas and efforts in the development of education in Malaysia, Chancellor of University Tun Hussein Onn Malaysia, Duli Yang Amat Mulia Tunku lbrahim lsmail lbni Sultan lskandar, Tunku Mahkota Johor, has approbation to presented the awards to Yang Amat Mulia Raja Zarith Sofiah binti Almarhum Sultan Idris Al-Mutawakil Alallahi Shah the Honorary Doctorate of Philosophy in Education at 7th Convocation Ceremony of University Tun Hussein Onn Malaysia in this year. Congratulation from us, University Tun Hussein Onn Malaysia members.

*******************************

I'm going to count how many mistakes are there in the article. BRB.

What could be worse....

2008-08-20T12:12:00.003+01:00

....than working late most days, and having to trundle back to a treacherous site every morning in a corner of the world where you have no social circles to speak of?

Working late most days, and having to trundle back to a treacherous site every morning in a corner of the world where you have no social circles to speak of, in the goddam rain. Everyday.

Transport for London

2008-08-16T23:57:00.003+01:00

No Tube access from my place today.

The bus stops were all full of lots of pissed-off confused people, all peering blearily at bus stop signs, clearly not understanding any part of it. Every gundu in the world was trying to take a bus somewhere, me included.

But my bus took fricking hours, happily chugging around London in traffic jams - too many replacement bus services and too many temporary bus passengers!

My combined trip of bus and Tube took 2 hours. -_-"

Lady peeped out just as I snapped, YES YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT TRAIN FA CRYING OUT LOUD

Lots of delays due to TWO 'person under train' incidents (this basically means some poor soul has been kabished by one of the trains), so chaos everywhere basically. Lots of BO, bleargh.

I did get a nice day out though...

The O2 in the distance

And ended up in a nice Malaysian restaurant to end the day. :)

Le weekend...

2008-08-15T15:06:00.002+01:00

A nice flight home, and vodka cocktails. But nothing more blissful than the advent of le weekend.

Fire alarms are annoying

2008-08-12T10:55:00.002+01:00

Wasted an hour trotting down and out of a building, and then back in and back up again. Fire is given so much reverence in the West - must be the burning-in-hell cultural fear thing. I prefer the general South East Asian approach - wait for an actual fire before actually doing anything, then just basically run out yelling at the top of your lungs:

FYYYEEEEE-AAAAAAHHH!!!!

Bloody Monday

2008-08-11T09:43:00.003+01:00

This is Monday for me, at 6am. A different kind of depressing.

That, and being mildly amused looking at the cabin crew trying to give a safety demonstration ("to inflate the life jacket, pull the toggle on your right") while trying to maintain their balance when their F1-driver-wannabe pilot swings wildly around the runway.

The laziest post in the world

2008-08-08T16:38:00.000+01:00

Irony much?

junkie the slacker

2008-07-29T23:08:00.005+01:00

Actually, quite the opposite. My work, my studies and my travelling have converged like three vectors ganging up on a tiny point to pretty much swallow me into a head-pounding, self-loathing vortex.

So yeah that means I'm kinda lazy to update these days, although I've been Plurking like mad regularly. Join Plurk and Plurk with me! Been also using it to brush up my language skills - I've discovered its hidden use as an excellent language tool.

I know I still owe you guys my Greece trip post and photos. So sorryyyyyyy.... Oh I bought the Sony Ericsson C902, will check it out in Friday and will post a review on that too!

(Throws a random distraction into the fray) You know the song Brimful of Asha, by Cornershop? You should definitely have heard of this at some point - the chorus of the song goes

Brimful of asha on the 45
Well it's a brimful of asha on the 45

And so on and so forth. BrainyBoy once told me, hey, he's always thought it was

Grim poodle basher on the 45
Well it's a brimful of asha on the 45

I looked at him and I was like, look, that makes no sense. He retorted yeah, like 'brimful of asha on the 45' makes a whole lot of sense.

Point taken, I suppose.

Then there's the Eiffel 65 song, Blue:

I'm blue da be dee da ba dai
Da be dee
Da ba dai
Da be dee da ba dai

He suggested:

I'm blue and I'm in need of a guy
And I'm in need
Of a guy
And I'm in need of a guy

*Weird look from me to him* Ok........

I'm blue if I were green I would die
If I were green
I would die
If I were green I would die

Yeah, BrainyBoy's weird. But that's what makes him awesome. Looking forward to seeing you this October, boi!

junkie house-views

2008-07-20T08:57:00.004+01:00

One day I found myself house-viewing with a real-estate agent.

Now I'm not the kind of person that particularly enjoy house-viewing - I see it as a necessary activity to acquire a nice and comfortable home to kick back, relax, and build a nice nest. However, whenever I'm house-viewing, with the combination of having to take various modes of transport, navigating to unfamiliar places, and making dozens of calls to a score of either very persistent or very nonchalant people, I'm generally feeling a potent mixture of annoyance, sense of harassment, and general lack of personal hygiene. This is a state normally not conducive to selecting one's future home, however, one does the best one can.

This particular episode, as I walked into the house with my real-estate agent, I was also feeling another nagging/irritating feeling. My feelings were kind of like a weird horse race, like the ones you see on TV with BBC commentators narrating. Wash Me Not and King Annoying were pretty much tied neck for neck, with HairAssment trailing behind. However, there was another eager dark horse, usually lagging behind, but today enjoying a winning streak - I Need to Pee was enthusiastically clopping along, leading the rest of the pack.

So there I was, this babbling real-estate agent showing me around this rather sterile, white flat (which to it's credit was rather spacious), and I trying to be interested and telling myself I should be interested. Meanwhile, I Need to Pee put on an extra spurt of energy (BBC commentator: I do not believe where this beauty is getting his energy today!) and started extending his lead. I start really squirming and ask the real-estate agent if I could use the place's toilet.

Why sure, says the real-estate agent, and proceeds to showcase the bathroom to me. It was really quite nice, with a white gleaming porcelain bath and a disconnected-style wash-basin. The agent was doing his routine of explaining the bathroom's design - however, at this time all my attention was only focused on the white, gleaming, virgin surface of the toilet bowl. I wait for him to finish his spiel then I am alone in the toilet. I take care of business with relief and then rejoin him.

We walked about the flat some more, me marveling at the space of the apartment again. I was going to ask the real-estate agent how much was the apartment going to cost me when (the most amazing comeback, ladies and gentlemen!) I Need to Pee came bursting back to view, with new-found vigour and a thirst for revenge. I did a involuntary squirm on the spot and thought to myself 'WTF?' I asked the agent to show me the apartment's other toilet, and looking at me rather quizzically this time, he led me upstairs to the second bathroom.

I forego the niceties. I knock over the agent and use the toilet straightaway. Flushing and striding out of the toilet, I realised I needed to pee again!!! WTF? I did an abrupt U-turn in front of the by-now thoroughly puzzled agent and went back in again.

While peeing, these thoughts went through my mind:

Once home I'd better see a doctor straightaway. That's always assuming I ever stop peeing long enough for me to get home in the first place.
This would make a great post for my blog.

This was when I started swimming back into consciousness in my bed. It's 5am, I've been dreaming and I REALLY need to pee.

junkie flies 1st class

2008-07-17T10:32:00.005+01:00

You know the episode in Friends where Chandler and Monica try to get into the first class lounge en-route to their honeymoon, and Chandler tries to blag his way in by acting all cool and posh? The attendant asks to see his seat number and he goes "That's ok, I have it memorised - it's 1A."
My flight today:

Junkie bullies boss into getting not an economy class, not business class, but first class ticket. "1A" can.

Wikked.

Signs that you are dining in a Michelin-starred restaurant

2008-07-11T23:04:00.001+01:00

I had the pleasure and great fortune of being invited to a dinner recently. Not having heard of the restaurant, I checked out its website. It was there that I saw a list of awards, and along with various other accolades and rosettes and what not:

Michelin starred

Ok, fine, it's not a big deal. It's a big deal to me ok? I've never eaten in one.

Sadly and to my great regret, it was a business/work dinner and therefore I couldn't be snapping away like a maniac (although I wanted too so much!), so you guys'll have to settle for my vivid literary descriptive skills. The photos featured here are actual photos from the restaurant though.

Here are the list of signs that would alert you that you are dining in a Michelin-starred restaurant:

1. You have to travel a shit-long distance for that restaurant. It's like driving one hour and getting lost for 2 to get to that really great and cheap Klang seafood place that is near the river thing. Really good restaurants are always a way out for some reason. It's like they want to test your dedication to eat there.

2. You don't notice there are waiters, but you love the maitre d'. The maitre d' is nice and jolly and explains the entire menu from top to bottom explaining how it is cooked, makes jokes, enquires about your health, never misses a thing you say, and always gets all your orders and food delivery right. The wine and water and various food items seem to magically appear because you never notice them bringing them to your table or refilling your glass. Seriously.

3. You honestly want to order everything on the menu. I've heard the phrase 'I don't know what to order, they all seem so good' but never really took it seriously - for the first time, I really wanted to order everything. I settled on:

Starter
Trilogie if Salmon,Caviar and Fromage Blanc - three cuts of salmon prepared in three different ways, one with caviar, one wrapped and seasoned with herbs, one in a pickled salad, with a herbed white cheese

Mains
Sea Bass and Crab Croustillant,Surf Clams,Antiboise Sauce - Sea bass and crab meat baked into a one-layer filo pastry on a bed of steamed vegtables, surrounded with surf clams

Dessert
Hot Chocolate Fondant with Pistachio Ice Cream - this thing is damn good. A chocolate sponge pillow with melted chocolate inside, with pistachio ice cream on a thin wavy waffle thingamajiggie

4. Everything is perfect. The maitre d' knows exactly what to do whatever questions you have. There is not a single brown spot, tear or any imperfection (I checked) on any of your greens, no matter how small nor insignificant. The filo pastry is perfectly baked, with no black spots and absolutely no flaking at all. None. The starter came with two triangles of 'toast', except 'toast' is too lowly a title for that heavenly concoction. It was bread, perfectly white (instead of browned, don't ask me how they do it) and evenly sliced, and when I pushed my dinner knife into it, instead of 'squishing' slightly like normal toast, it sliced cleanly through with a orgasmic krrrrrk. With my blunt dinner knife!

5. Everything is delicious. Anything and everything that is presented to you as edible will be great-tasting. Some olives were on the table before we ordered, and while I don't like olives, I thought I'd try one, what the heck. I ended up gobbling about 4-5 of those.

The level of attention to detail is bordering on ridiculous. It is definitely a unique dining experience, and certainly not just about enjoying the taste of the food, but the presentation, the attention to detail and the quality of the service and dining atmosphere. These people make all the restaurants I've ever dined in look like amateurs.

Love among the ruins

2008-07-10T12:21:00.005+01:00

[Mini update 1: Murder weapon of the year.]
[Mini update 2: A sign that oil is a really really attractive commodity.]

Below is a surprisingly heart-warming and touching love story....in a nursing home. Just goes to show that human emotions and love transcends everything. Also it's kind of hilarious.

********************************************************************

She was 82. He was 95. They had dementia. The fell in love. Then they started having sex.

By Melinda Henneberger for The Slate

Bob's family was horrified at the idea that his relationship with Dorothy might have become sexual. At his age, they wouldn't have thought it possible. But when Bob's son walked in and saw his 95-year-old father in bed with his 82-year-old girlfriend last December, incredulity turned into full-blown panic. "I didn't know where this was going to end," said the manager of the assisted-living facility where Bob and Dorothy lived. "It was pretty volatile."

Because both Bob and Dorothy suffer from dementia, the son assumed that his father didn't fully understand what was going on. And his sputtering cell phone call reporting the scene he'd happened upon would have been funny, the manager said, if the consequences hadn't been so serious. "He was going, 'She had her mouth on my dad's penis! And it's not even clean!' " Bob's son became determined to keep the two apart and asked the facility's staff to ensure that they were never left alone together.

After that, Dorothy stopped eating. She lost 21 pounds, was treated for depression, and was hospitalized for dehydration. When Bob was finally moved out of the facility in January, she sat in the window for weeks waiting for him. She doesn't do that anymore, though: "Her Alzheimer's is protecting her at this point," says her doctor, who thinks the loss might have killed her if its memory hadn't faded so mercifully fast.

But should someone have protected the couple's right to privacy—their right to have a sex life?

"We were in uncharted territory," the facility manager said—and there's a reason for that. Even the More magazine-reading demographic that thinks midlife is forever (and is deeply sorry to see James Naughton doing Cialis ads) seems to believe that while sex isn't only for the young, exceptions are only for the exfoliated. We're squeamish about the sex lives of the elderly—and even more so when those elderly are senile and are our parents. But as the baby boom generation ages, there are going to be many more Dorothys and Bobs—who may no longer quite recall the Summer of Love but are unlikely to accept parietal rules in the nursing home. Gerontologists highly recommend sex for the elderly because it improves mood and even overall physical function, but the legal issues are enormously complicated, as Daniel Engber explored in his 2007 article "Naughty Nursing Homes": Can someone with dementia give informed consent? How do caregivers balance safety and privacy concerns? When families object to a demented person being sexually active, are nursing homes responsible for chaperoning? This one botched love affair shows the incredible intensity and human cost of an issue that, as Dorothy's doctor says, we can't afford to go on ignoring.

Dorothy's daughter, who contacted me, said that, in a lucid moment, her mother asked her to publicize her predicament. "We're all going to get old, if we're lucky," said the daughter, who is a lawyer. And if we get lucky when we're old, then we need to have drawn up a sexual power of attorney before it's too late. Who controls the intimate lives of people with dementia? Unless specific provision has been made, their families do. And for Dorothy, which is her middle name, and Bob, which isn't his real name at all, that quickly became a problem.

"Who do you love?" Dorothy asked me, right after her daughter introduced us. She'd married her first—and only other—sweetheart, a grade-school classmate she'd grown up with in Boston and waited for while he flew daylight bombing raids over Germany during World War II. Together they had four children, built a business, and traveled all over the world, right up until she lost him to a heart attack 16 years ago. But she never mentions him now and doesn't like it when anyone else does, either, because how could she not remember her own husband? Her daughter visits every evening, and because Dorothy loves kids, her daughter pays the housekeeper to bring hers over every afternoon, "and she thinks they're her grandchildren, and it makes her happy."

But even showing me around her well-appointed, little apartment in the nice-smelling assisted-living facility was an exercise in frustration for Dorothy: She joked and covered, but she might as well have been guiding me through Isabella Stewart Gardner's house, because all around were tokens from her past that have lost their meaning for her. There were tiny busts of Bach and Brahms, a collection of miniature porcelain pianos, Japanese woodcuts, and some Thomas Hart Benton lithographs she picked up for a few dollars in the '40s. "These are all my favorites," she said, pointing to shelves of novels by the Brontes and books about Leonardo da Vinci and Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. But her expression said that she couldn't recall why she liked these volumes best, and what I think she wanted me to know is that she once was a person who could have told me. When her daughter mentioned Bob's name—Bob, who was led away in January, shouting, "What's going on? Where are you taking me?" right in front of her—it wasn't clear how much she remembered: "He came and he went, and there's nothing more to say."

So it was left to her daughter, her doctor, and the woman who runs the assisted-living facility to explain how this grown woman, who lived through the Depression and survived breast cancer, managed a home and mourned a mate, wound up being treated like a child. "Come back anytime," Dorothy told me sweetly.

Downstairs, in her bright, tidy office, I met the woman who runs the facility—one of the nicest I've seen, with tea service in the lobby and white tablecloths in a dining room that's dressed up like a restaurant. In 30 years of taking care of the elderly, she's seen plenty of couples, but none as "inspiring" or heartbreaking as Dorothy and Bob. Which is why she keeps a photo of the two of them on her desk. In the picture, Dorothy is sitting at the piano in the lobby, where she used to play and he used to sing along—with gusto, usually warbling, "I dream of Jeanie with the light brown hair," no matter what tune she was playing. She is all dolled up, wearing a jangly red bracelet and gold lamé shoes, and they are holding hands and beaming in a way that makes it impossible not to see the 18-year-olds inside them.

Before Dorothy came along, the manager said, Bob was really kind of a player and had all the women vying to sit with him on the porch. But with Dorothy, she said, "it was love." One day, the staff noticed that they were sitting together, then before long they were taking all their meals together, and over a matter of weeks, it became constant. Whenever Bob caught sight of Dorothy, he lit up "like a young stud seeing his lady for the first time." Even at 95, he'd pop out of his chair and straighten his clothes when she walked into the room. She would sit, and then he would sit. And both of them began taking far greater pride in their appearance; Dorothy went from wearing the same ratty yellow dress all the time to appearing for breakfast every morning in a different outfit, accessorized with pearls and hair combs.

Soon the relationship became sexual. At first, Dorothy's daughter and the facility manager doubted Dorothy's vivid accounts of having intercourse with Bob. But aides noticed that Bob became visibly aroused when he kissed Dorothy good night—and saw that he didn't want to leave her at her door anymore, either. (Note to James Naughton: Bob did not need what you are selling.) His overnight nurse was an obstacle to sleepovers, but the couple started spending time alone in their apartments during the day. When Bob's son became aware of these trysts, he tried to put a stop to them—in the manager's view because the son felt that old people "should be old and rock in the chair." When I called Bob's son and told him I was writing about the situation without using any names, he passed on the opportunity to explain his perspective. "I don't choose to discuss anything that involves my father," he said, and he put the phone down.

But according to the facility manager, the son was convinced that Dorothy was the aggressor in the relationship, and he worried that her advances might be hard on his father's weak heart. He wasn't the only one troubled by the physical relationship. The private-duty nurse who had been tending Bob also had strong feelings about the matter, said the manager: "At first, she thought it was cute they were together, but when it became sexual, she lost her senses" for religious reasons and asked staff members to help keep the two of them apart.

Employees wound up choosing sides—as did other residents, including some women who were apparently jealous of Dorothy's romance. And because the couple now had to sneak around to be together—for instance, cutting out when they were supposed to be in church—their intimacy became more and more open and problematic. At one point, the manager had to make Bob stop "pleasuring her" right in the lobby, where Dorothy sat with a pillow placed strategically over her lap. In all of her years of working with elderly people, the manager said, this was not only her worst professional experience but was the only one that left her feeling she had failed her patients. She had a particularly hard time staying neutral and detached, she said, because she kept thinking that "if that was my mom or dad, I'd be grateful they'd found somebody to spend the rest of their lives with."

One day when Dorothy's daughter arrived to visit, she found Bob sitting in the lobby, surrounded by a wheelchair brigade of dozing people who had been posted around him by the private-duty nurse to block Dorothy from approaching him. That's when Dorothy's daughter got the state involved and started throwing around the word lawsuit, which only made things worse, the manager said. "Once she started talking legal, that pushed things over the edge." The state did send someone in to try to mediate the situation—but then the mediator was diagnosed with cancer and died just five weeks later. Though the mediator's replacement tried to pick up where he had left off, she was never able to establish a rapport with Bob's son.

Finally, Bob's family decided to move him and insisted that neither he nor Dorothy be told in advance. No one in either family was there the morning Bob's nurse hustled him out the door. Later, the manager called his son and asked if there was any way Dorothy might come and visit just briefly, to say goodbye. The son thought about it for a few days and then said no, his father was already settled into his new home and was not thinking about her at all anymore. The lawyers told Dorothy's family that there was no way they could make the legal case that Bob's rights were being violated by his family, because you couldn't put people with dementia on the witness stand.

Dorothy's son-in-law, who is a doctor, suspects Bob's son of fearing for his inheritance. Bob had repeatedly proposed for all to hear and called Dorothy his wife, but his son called her something else—a "gold digger"—and refused to even discuss her family's offer to sign a prenup. According to Dorothy's daughter, Bob's son told her, "My father has outlived three wives, including the one he married in his 80s, and your mother is just one of many." But surely Bob's safety was a true concern, too, and maybe his son had religious or moral qualms? "I don't think so," the manager said. "I don't think he meant his dad any harm, but he couldn't see what his dad needed. … He wanted his dad to have a relationship but on his terms: You can sit together at meals, but you can't have what really makes a relationship, and be careful how much you kiss and don't retire to a private place to do what all of us do."

Though Dorothy might or might not remember what happened, "there's a sadness in her" that wasn't there before, the manager said. Bob "gave her back something she had long lost—to think she's pretty, to care about her step and her stride." She eats in her room now rather than in the dining room where she shared meals with Bob. And she no longer plays the piano. A new couple in the facility has gotten together in the last few weeks. The manager called their families in right away and was relieved to see that they were happy for their parents, and the families have been taking them on outings together. As a result of the whole experience, the manager, who is 50, recently had a different version of "the talk" with her 25-year-old daughter, instructing her never, ever to let such a thing happen to her or her husband: "I hope I get another shot at it when I'm 90 years old."

Dorothy's doctor also took their experience personally. "Can you imagine as a clinician, treating a woman who's finally found happiness and then suddenly she's not eating because she couldn't see her loved one? This was a 21^st-century Romeo and Juliet. And let's be honest, because this man was very elderly, I got intrigued; my respects to the gentleman." His patient was happier than he could ever remember; she was playing the piano again, and even her memory had improved.

And though the doctor never laid eyes on Bob, in general, he said, the fear of sex causing heart attacks is wildly overblown: "If you've made it to age 95, I'm sorry, but having sex is not going to kill you—it's going to prolong your life. It was as if someone had removed the sheath that was covering [Dorothy], and she got to live for a while." But after the trauma of losing Bob, Dorothy's doctor came close to losing his patient, he said, adding that most people her age would not have survived the simultaneous resulting insults of depression, malnutrition, and dehydration. "We can't afford the luxury of treating people like this. … But we don't want to know what our parents do in bed."

Then the daughter interjected that Bob's son certainly didn't want to see them having oral sex, and the doctor proved his own point. Holding a hand up to stop her from saying any more, he told her, "I didn't need to know that." But maybe the rest of us do.

Running junkie ragged

2008-07-07T10:08:00.011+01:00

I've been uber busy with work last week, and the last weekend consisted of

catching up with sleep
working some more
studying for a qualification I was stupid enough to keenly sign myself up for

So yeah. Not particularly happy with the state of life, wanting a convenient door to escape my busy-ness.

Door to relieve all your troubles - spotted one day on the way home from work (about 3 storeys up)

Anyways, I know I promised you my Greece pictures, but there's been a bit of a hiccup transferring the pictures from camera to computer, so pictures have been delayed. Meanwhile I thought I'd dump pictures from my mobile phone instead.

Very politically incorrect toilet door signs
When dining in London recently, I went to the toilet, and looking for the right one, I was pleasantly amused.

As you all know, toilet door signs only serve two purposes:

It lets you know a toilet is behind this door
It lets you know men or women or both can use this toilet

And while these toilet door signs accomplish both objectives, I must say they do it in quite an unorthodox manner.

'Gentlemen' is a term used loosely here

The sign for the 'Gentlemen' toilet. An astute illustration of the 'gentleman' at work. Note the proud thrust forward of his hips to emphasise his activity, and the subtle tilt of his head downwards, pensively regarding his area of interest. This clearly took inspiration from classical sculptures.

I could never understand why ancient artisans wanted to sculpt this. Anyone can tell me?

Of course, this raises the next immediate question - so how did they illustrate the 'Ladies'?

Not in a dignified manner, that's for sure.

Not all that ladylike, as presently pictured

Wah, a bit obscene can? An accurate if particularly undignified illustration of who should be using the toilet. Just in case some were confused as to what should ladies do in there.

After that particular horror...

Sneak preview to Greece
I found two Greece pictures in my mobile, which were panoramas which turned out quite well. Voila:

A view from more or less my front door of my hotel room

Greece accommodation is so expensive, more so Santorini, but the views are amazing. And serene.

Perissa Beach, my favourite beach in Santorini

Afternoons in Greece are as hot as Malaysia, i.e. you better find a place to hide about 2-5pm every day. Ang mohs don't seem to understand this, they flock to the beach everyday to plop their asses under the beach umbrellas and proceed to lobster-ise themselves. I don't know how they stand the pain from the heat.

And with that, I'm sorry to say that I've run out of Greece pics for the moment. Stay tuned for more, I promise loads of cool pix! :)

Off to more kerja,
junkie

Why Google Adsense will never work for me

2008-07-04T01:15:00.009+01:00

[Mini update1: Now it keeps insisting readers check into drug rehab!]
[Mini update2: More craziness added.]

Google AdSense is an awesome idea.

The basic idea is simple: a bot (probably similar to the one that helps Google users search online) trawls a AdSense advertiser's website, and thinks what would viewers to the website would most probably want to buy/see adverts of.

Thus, if you were in a gadget review site, you'd get links to buy the latest gadgets. Similarly, if you were in a fashion blog, you'd get links to Prada, Gucci, Vogue, etc.

But I found out today that AdSense may not suit me. Here's what my friendly neighbourhood Google Bot suggests to be featured by the ad in my sidebar as of the moment (it's probably still there):

JunkieMunkie.com - too sophisticated for Google to comprehend

Damien Hirst - I have no clue why I would be related to him.
Amsterdam Coffee Shop - That one's from my Amsterdam trip post, probably.
Dogs Diarrhea - Lol. That's probably from the Dogs post.
Dog Tired - I dunno. What randomity is this.
Feel Tired - Roflage!!!

Somehow I don't think readers would want to buy liquid dog crap.

[Update:] The Google AdSense bot has now reached new levels of insane advertising, taking a rather violent twist. Regardez vous:

Dogs vomiting blood? Puppy diarrhea lol.

This is probably a vicious circle.

Great Scot!

2008-06-30T22:15:00.006+01:00

[Mini Update: Proof that once you're under the influence, you'd think anything is a good idea.]

One side effect of flying all over the place is that you have a crapload of things to write about that just seem to keep piling up higher and higher.

Scotland was one of the things I meant to write about and publish using Blogger's nifty delayed-publishing thingamajiggie, which I would theoretically set up to publish when I was in Greece. Which would leave you guys thinking I'm being extra keen and updating from Greece and you'd be none the wiser, while I'd be left feeling slightly clever.

In theory. Obviously in all the crazy last-minute hullabaloo approaching flight to Greece I had absolutely no time to do anything of the sort, save for a one sentence thing literally typed with one hand while I shoved clothes into bags with my passport between my............teeth.

So yeah. On Scotland - the great part about Scotland, or specifically Edinburgh, is that it's really like London for the variety of pubs, eateries, facilities, culture etc. Except it doesn't have the random dodgy/nasty/weird people you seem to bump into in the Tube.

Digressing, today I saw a Oriental-looking tourist in Athens out with his family in what could only be described as a flamboyant clown suit (missing the makeup), and coming out of the Tube in London I saw a family with luggage and children sleeping in sleeping-bags just outside the Tube station (wtf?) and to round off the day's madness, a random dude passed me with what I thought was a ferret in his arms. Hilarity never ends. One day I should post about the randomness I've encountered in the Tube.

Anyways.... so Edinburgh is really good as it has all the good bits of London without the nasty dodgy aspects of it. In fact, Edinburgh is pretty devoid of people altogether compared to sardine-can London. Which is nice for me who likes a quiet weekend enjoying the good weather.

And the weather was very good indeed.

The awesome weather made all the difference in a walk to Hollyrood (I know) Park. Clean and carefully tended flora everywhere, gulls and pigeons in flocks, and most importantly, there's no one to jostle for space and pollute the air with cigarettes, stereos, bawling kids, farts, burps, etc. Just a huge green space to chill out.

Edinburgh Castle was also clearly visible from the park.

There was also this rather curious-looking thing smack in the middle of the park which I'm still not sure is for.

It strongly reminds me of a popular toy featured in Toy Story.

Mr Potato Head!

Walking around the streets of Edinburgh, I also stumbled upon a charming little street market, selling the kind of oddities you can only find in British street stalls.

Chocolate fountain al fresco, with sweets to dip into the chocolate. With this kind of saccharine luk-luk, no wonder most British women are flabbulous.

The market consisted mostly of cottage-industry arts and craft wares. This lady was very flattered by me snapping a picture of her and her prickly-spiky ornament type things.

There was also a very funky store selling hand-made fashion items. Really pricey though, going for like £40-60 apiece.

I then wandered into a shopping mall and got distracted by this t-shirt shop selling hilaroius T-shirts (e.g. 'W.I.F.E. - Washing Ironing Fucking Etc', 'H.U.B.B.Y - Helpless Useless Balding Babbling Yob'). I decided to buy two (two for £20!)

Captions I chose:

Wine is made to be drunk
I am drunk
Am I wine?

Stick and stones may break my bones
But whips and chains excite me!

Yes they do. Oo yeah.

One thing about pub names. British pub names are as easily predictable as Chinese restaurant names. With the Chinese restaurants, you have names like Golden China, Imperial Dragon, Heavenly Palace, Forbidden Gate of the Four Winged Albatross, etc etc. With British pubs, mostly you can just combine any one or two nouns to form a name, or an adverb with a verb. It doesn't have to make sense - in fact, extra points if it doesn't make sense at all. Hence you get The Cowering Toad, The Fiddle and the Chicken, The Scholar and the Drake, The Bold and Beautiful, etc etc.

However, you do get the occasional deviant or two, or in this case, three of them in the same street. I stumbled across a street with pubs with the coolest names ever.

Is that like a naughty Chicken McNugget?

Lol. Just pure lol.

Presumably the pub owners being particularly proud of the filth cultivation of their lower appendages. Seriously, who the hell names their pub Dirty Dicks????

Scotland is awesome.

Gone to Greece

2008-06-22T23:18:00.000+01:00

Will be back next week. Toodles.

Who let the dogs out?

2008-06-20T22:50:00.000+01:00

Scotland has many dogs. Which is nice.

I've seen so many new types of dogs when in Scotland. Lots of cute ones too. Dachshunds, Chih-Tzus, etc etc. However, I saw a really unique-looking breed last week, and OMG it was the cutest thing too. I stopped the lady walking it and asked what breed was it.

I don't get Scottish accents sometimes.

Lady: "It's Anerdel."
Me: "What?"
Lady: "Anerdeeeel."
Me: ......How do you spell it?
Lady: "It's an A-I-R-E-D-A-L-E."

Oh.

So how does an Airedale look like?

Meet Dharma (left) and Kramer (right)

OMG cuteness overload. They're also quite large as well (perhaps about the size of a Dalmatian), so it's rather unusual I find them so adorable.

Airedale puppies!

Unfortunately that also means there's dog poo everywhere on the street. When I walk to work and back, I always have to make sure that I stay right in the centre of the street. Not because I think I'm the grandest person there is, but because dogs poo all over the sides.

If you're not careful, you might end up being very unpopular at work on that day.

The French pay a lot of attention to how they behave, smell, and look. In fact, they pay so much attention to themselves that they don't bother how their dogs behave and poop all over the street, nor how the street looks or smells - as long as the dog doesn't poop at their expensively coiffed homes. Parisian streets permanently have wonderful waftage of cigarette smoke and dog poo. What would you call that scent? L'eau tabac et merde du chien? Sexy. Unlike their Parisian counterpartrs, Scottish dog-owners (and my are there a lot of them) are generally very clean and clear up after their dogs. But obviously not all do, hence the land-mines keeping my mind alert on the way to work early in the morning.

Although they clean up after their dogs, 'clean' might be a confused word here. They usually bring a plastic bag with them when they bring their dog walking. And if their dog does its thing, they use the plastic bag like an odd glove and pick the offending object up.

BUT IF THEY CAN'T FIND A PLACE TO THROW IT AWAY THEY KEEP HOLDING ON TO IT AND CONTINUE AS USUAL!!!

It's not a problem usually. But I saw a lady, after acquiring a steaming lump of organic matter from her pooch, proceeded to continue into a supermarket and do her shopping while still holding on to that thingy!

I didn't dare watch - but how the hell do you do your shopping while holding dog poo? You use one hand to hold your basket, and one to take things from shelves. So how do you hold your poo? Do you put it in your shopping basket too?

Ewww. Don't confuse it with your Cumberland sausages or black pudding ok.

Junkie reveals self....

2008-06-18T23:17:00.004+01:00

...not in a disgusting way, of course.

I've been busier than a one-armed hanger recently.

It's just the holidays coming up, I think there is an institutionalised conspiracy to squeeze every last bit of productivity before grudgingly allowing me to jet off (flying again! bah) to Greece. On holiday.

For one week.

Awesome.

I'm jetting off to Athens for a bit, then flying from there to Atlantis. There I plan to live the life of a bum. For a week anyway - lazing in the sun, riding scooters around, etc etc. A well-deserved break, after God-knows how long. I used to have nearly 6 months of holiday when I was at university, and now it's been reduced to a measly 20+ days a year. No wonder we look forward to whatever meager bank holidays we have with the eagerness and glee of a 40-year-old virgin scheduling his first time. Note that I say 'he'. Somehow 40-year-old virgins are always hes. Like Solomon Whatzisface as told by Sheylara.

But anyway I digress. I'll talk about Greece, Athens and Atlantis in due time, first, credit where credit is due, the amazing ivn has appropriately put his Mind's Eye to the task, et voila, c'est moi avant papier:

At last, I reveal myself. Kind of.

ivn, unabashed applause from my side. It's awesome - this shall be me profile pic!

Next up, posts from my adventures in Edinburgh. Promise. If my boss doesn't make me promise other things.

My long lost tag

2008-06-16T23:01:00.012+01:00

From Sue: If you were the ruler of the world and you could have anything you wanted as well as have people do anything you wanted, do you think you would get greedy and mean or would you be a good and fair ruler?

First result in Google Images for 'ruler of the world'

I'm going to go out on a limb here. I'm going to say that not only me, but I don't think anyone would be a 'greedy and mean' ruler, if put in that enviable hypothetical position.

GREED

Greed and glut is a result of deprivation. If one obtains limited access to a luxury (as much money as you can grab in 10 seconds, for example), one is liable to be consumed with greed. But what is the underpinning of this greed?

The need to stockpile, no? The urge to 'save for a rainy day'. You want to take as much as you can right now because you don't know when you're ever going to get this lucky again.

Which is why the question in the beginning, by definition itself, cannot result in a greedy ruler. You can't be greedy if you have everything you want, ever. Still not convinced? Let's draw another example. Say you are studying for the most challenging exam in the world. One of the most valuable things to you would be time. Time to play. Time to talk on MSN. Time to stare at the wall. In fact there was a time when I was studying for exams that I decided that after my exams I would take 30 minutes to stare at a wall because it was so enjoyable when I was mugging away.

However, after the exam everything changes. After the inital euphoria, boredom sets in and suddenly you have too much time. After a while you even begin to (the horror!) wish for something to study/do again.

Once you can have as much of it as you want, you really only take what you need. Excess loses all value because there is no worth in stockpiling.

MEANNESS

I have no theory here. I'm gonna say I won't be mean because I don't believe people naturally derive joy from causing pain and suffering to others. Idealist? I don't really think so.

Cheers.

Sex & drugs & rock n roll - in Amsterdam

2008-06-14T09:33:00.000+01:00

[Mini update]: An Italian couple was caught having sex in a church confessional box while morning Mass...

This is an anecdote about a trip to Amsterdam...

******************************************

I was in Amsterdam for a few days with two others some years back, two others that I'll call NorthKoreanTerrorist (NKT) and OldCat. Now many of my peers go to Amsterdam, they go to the Anne Frank Huis, other museums, have a canal ride, etc. Not my group.

Me, NKT and OldCat pretty much scoured the city for the vices - we'd already

blasted through the Heineken beer factory (a tour, 3 half pints and a Heineken half pint glass souvenir for 10 EUR, very good deal)
gone for a strip peepshow (1 EUR to see a bored lady waggle her ass half-heartedly, not a very good deal)
and checked out the red light district (many girls and guys in flourescent underwear promising us a very good deal)

It was really surreal to see prostitution treated like any other random trade - people queuing for good deals or for quality, some really fugly ones getting none and a terrible spot, a huge bald guy coming out of a room and the girl going 'Thank you, please come again!'... list goes on and on.

So anyways, NKT then announced that it's time to go for the only vice that's left:

NKT: Let's get high.
Me: No. Drugs are bad for you.
NKT: Come on, we've seen the whores, we've done the peepshows, that crazy dude even tried to sell us heroin! It's time to do the natural.
Me: Drugs diminish your braincells.
NKT: You don't need that many anyway. Brains are overrated.
Me: Drugs are overrated.
NKT: Wimp.
Me: Alright, you're on.
OldCat: Not me, I heard that that stuff stays in your system for months and I may have a dope check before I start my new job.
Me: Come on, let's get high, you too ancient? Your wrinkled aortic system too fragile?
OldCat: F**k you, you're on.

Now, being the anal asses we are, we were insistent on getting the best bong for our buck. We went around the city centre asking for the finest and most potent stuff, and eventually ended up in a place which I forget the name, but featured an Eye, very much like the Eye you see in dollar bills (the Eye in the triangle thingamajiggie). So I'll call it the Eye.

Everything in this place was topsy-turvy, very Alice in Wonderland ish. I supposed these all make sense when you're high, I don't know.

There are actually a myriad of choices of methods when you wanna get stoned, apparently. The multiple-pierced dude behind the counter (with a knowing smile I didn't really care for much, at least at the nervous state I was anyway) rattled off the ways and effects in a very scientific manner, and here's what I remember:

1. The method most Americans like is smoking, which is the least effective and most harmful, but apparently looks the coolest. Smoking is 3 times less effective than ingesting it. EUR 2 or something like that.

2. You can eat it in a 'space cake' (also called 'funnie brownie', 'special biscuits' or some other cute phrase), of which 14 grams of marijuana have been baked into a fruit-cake, and 14 slices cut from it, giving an approximate 1 gram per slice. A proper 'dose' per person is approximately half a gram when ingested, so you'd expect people to share a slice. This was going for somehting like EUR 3.

3. There is also a variant to ingestion in the form of a 'chocolate bon-bon', which looks somewhat like the kind of plastic-foil cookies I used to get from mum's friends as a child. Like above. This particular happy morsel contains half a gram, which is as you remember, one dose. This was going for EUR 2 ish.

The dude also told us, quite clearly, that it's a very bad idea to try and take this with alcohol. We (or rather I) duly noted this as only weed-virgins can. I still can't say from personal experience if this is a bad idea or not, I'll let others find out.

Now NKT, OldCat and I are many things, but 'moderate' may never be one of them, especially when we're together. We decided that, being the superior beings we are, we would need more than the recommended doses, especially when they weren't all that expensive to begin with. 2 space cakes and 1 choc bon-bon between all of us, which is 5 doses. We took our cakes and bon-bon and sat down in the coffeeshop and regarded them - I felt a wave of unreality pass me: My-my, here we are in Amsterdam, looking at 2 slices of cake and one chocolate snack like they might sprout an arm. And a leg.

OldCat took the bon-bon whereas NKT and I started on the cakes, eventually eating half a slice each. They were actually quite alright cakes, nothing really remarkable except for a distinct bitter taste, like they put some herb into it. Which effectively was what they did.

15 minutes passed and we felt nothing, except a slight worrying feeling that we've been had, and all these Dutch guys were sniggering at us. NKT and I finished up the cakes, tallying our doses as such:

1. NKT: 2 doses
2. Me: 2 doses
3. OldCat: 1 dose

We decided to leave, mainly because we were feeling more and more stupid waiting for something that seemed less and less likely to happen, and we decided to visit (on my suggestion), a popular tourist spot, Singel 7, which is supposed to be the narrowest house in the world. Yes, boys and girls, when you're travelling and never want to go to tourists areas, you probably don't want me hanging around.

Suggested example of NKT, me, and OldCat at Singel 7. Or maybe not.

No, we didn't take any lame pic at the place. We did ring the doorbell and run away though.

NKT then whispered conspiratorially to me "Hey, we're not feeling anything, wtf? Seriously I'm going to be really pissed off if I leave Amsterdam and we don't get high. WTF is this? We keep eating this crap and nothing happens!"

NKT's solutions to life's problems aren't the usual ones employed by most people. Most people would consider one of these options:

Go back to the Eye, and ask if this is supposed to happen, and whether we're supposed to feel anything after taking what we took.
Wait it out for a while to completely make sure we've been swindled, go to another place and contemplate getting more bitter thingies to chew.
Simply forgetting about the whole thing and spending our next Euros on peep-shows instead. Or nice girls/boys. Or whatever.

NKT simply opted to 'lather, rinse, repeat' as needed. He promptly went back to the Eye and ordered up another slice of cake for himself and a bon-bon. OldCat grudgingly went for another bon-bon, and after rolling my eyes at NKT, I bought a bon-bon.

Feeling ridiculous (at least I did), we ate our bon-bons together, yam seng style.

1. NKT: 3 doses
2. Me: 3 doses
3. OldCat: 2 doses

We started playing cards (for some reason the coffeeshop had them), and NKT slowly worked through his last slice of cake.

Then it started happening. Final tally:

1. NKT: 5 doses
2. Me: 3 doses
3. OldCat: 2 doses

The first clear memory I have of it was when I was shuffling the cards. I was suddenly aware that it seemed like it was happening at a very faraway place, and I was somehow controlling my hands 'via remote control thought' (i.e. I consciously had to will my hands to shuffle the cards). I tried shuffling them some more, but it got very difficult. I semi-dropped them on the table, turned to NKT and said "Hey, I'm feeling something."

NKT picked up the cards, fumbled and dropped them. It took him very long to push all the cards back to the box, and after that he got up and returned them to the counter. I wasn't noticing all this - I've been staring at the wall for the pstt 5 minutes without realising I was doing it. I suddenly snapped out of it, and tried to tell NKT. However, he seemed to know what I was gonna say because he started giggling. I found it gut-bustingly hilarious and giggled like crazy too.

Between fits of giggles NKT choked out "Hey, shit, shit, let's go home. Fuck." I shared his sentiments - the idea was to try and rush back to our hotel where we could be stoned without causing damage to society/hurting ourselves/ending up in jail etc.

The next 5 minutes were a blur of random streets - we were crossing quite a number of them and to this date I'm not quite sure how many near misses we had - I certainly can't remember. Also, who the hell led the way, I'll never know as well. We sure didn't have a map - NKT keeps losing em.

Anyway we were on our merry way when OldCat has a brilliant thought. He remembers we haven't had dinner. He yells out "I want BEER for DINNAH!" and runs for the nearest supermarket. We run in right behind him.

Picture this: a trio of giggling morons running top speed up and down the aisles, literally grabbing whatever catches their eye. We spent quite a long time in the supermarket - here's a collage of memories -

Me spotting a cheese counter, looking at the many 'wheels' of cheese and proclaiming to the attendant "Man, those sure as fuck look like tyres!"
Running past an aisle, I spot OldCat trying to grab a six-pack of beer of the shelf. I run up to him, grab his shirt and yelled in what must have been as loudly as I could "THERE IS NO MIXING OF MARIJUANA AND LIQUOR, STUPID". The horror.
Grabbing about 3 tubes of Pringles and some ham - I had the newfound, irrefutable theory that they were brilliant together.

At the counter, somehow we manage to pay and count our change. I remember that quite clearly, and being pretty proud of the fact that we could still count. I announce this to nobody in general.

I'm pretty sure there were many people in that supermarket (I remember queuing for a significant amount of time), but for the life of me I could not recall what their reactions were. Were they shocked to see 3 retards who could only move and talk in top speed and top volume? Or were they simply just used to stoned people in the randomest of places? I dunno. If you were one of those people do tell me.

The interesting part ends about here - because I can't remember most of it. I do remember:

Munching my way through two Pringles tubes, ramming in ham slices in between mouthfuls, watching the news of some earthquake, and thinking idly I was going to give myself sandpaper for a throat the next morning. That was probably the so-called 'munchies'.
Watching the wall-lamps in the room swim in the rippling ocean that was the wallpaper.
NKT going into the bathroom "for a shower" and not emerging for what seemed like 4 hours. He has no recollection of what he did in there, I can only assumed he fell asleep in the bathtub or something. I don't wanna think anything else.
OldCat trying to open a beer bottle (he did get some beer in the end, but wasn't smart enough to get a bottle opener) with some keys, he kept saying IT'S POSSIBLE, IT'S POSSIBLE I'VE FUCKING SEEN IT DONE BEFORE.

We all slept until the next afternoon, so that means we slept about 18 hours. Lol.

******************************************

Findings and conclusions:

Some people have the notion that being high is similar to being drunk. Now this was quite a few years ago, but I still remember this clearly: it's nothing like being drunk. When you're drunk you:

Feel wondrously dizzy
Sometimes kinda sick around the back of your throat and your stomach
You think a lot of dubious things are a good idea
You wake up the next morning with a funny digestion system, a headache, and a bad taste in your mouth (not always all three, but often a selection of the three)

When you're high you:

Feel like everything is disconnected, like you're controlling your body remotely (like in a dream)
Feel perfectly healthy
Still think a lot of dubious things are a good idea though
You sleep very soundly and wake up perfectly fine and ready to run out again

Which puts being high better in terms of experience since it doesn't have any apparent side effects! Anyways for the record that was the last time I tried weed. So far.

Just remember - the crap takes some time to take effect, and you feel nothing in between, so wait it out completely before you decide to enthusiastically chomp down more.

So yeah, go to Amsterdam, but forget about the tulips and windmills - just buy tacky souvenirs depicting them so people will think that's all you were up to.

Remember Tiffany Hirst

2008-06-13T15:12:00.006+01:00

From the Times, 13th June 2008:

Tiffany Hirst: the toddler left to die alone and unloved

It was “the little girl’s cry for help” that no one heard.

In a case of neglect that resulted in the death of Tiffany Hirst, 3, a court was told yesterday how passers-by used to see the gaunt face of the toddler staring through the window of her mother’s squalid flat.

Despite the flow of customers to and from the Sheffield pub below, senior detectives said that the neglect continued to go unnoticed, leaving the toddler to die, unloved and alone.

The Scarborough Arms

Tiffany was found by paramedics in a filthy bed in a beetle-infested room at the Scarbrough Arms in Addy Street, Upperthorpe. The pub was run by her mother, Sabrina Hirst, 22, and stepfather, Robert Hirst, 54.

Detective Chief Inspector Steve Williams, who led the investigation into Tiffany’s death, said: “We have heard that Tiffany would be seen staring out of her bedroom window and this was probably the little girl’s cry for help but nobody realised.

“It is heartbreaking. We think this neglect had been going on for months and that those last few months, weeks and days of her life, she was unloved, unwanted, starved of attention and left alone to die and she would have known that.”

He added that officers, used to dealing with cases of neglect, had been traumatised by what they saw. “She was like a tiny porcelain doll, so tiny and frail and we all wondered how this had been allowed to happen in this day and age.

“Children are a gift and should be cherished. Parents everywhere, those who have lost them and people unable to have them, will find this treatment unbearable and unthinkable.

“This must never happen again and if people have any concerns at all or suspicions about the welfare of a child they must call somebody because if only one out of every thousand calls turns out to be founded and a child’s life is saved, it is worth it.”

The face to hate: Robert Hirst, the son-of-a-bitch in question

Judge Alan Goldsack, QC, Recorder of Sheffield, adjourned the sentencing of the Hirsts, now of the Prince of Wales Feathers, Worsbrough Common, Barnsley, until the end of the month. She had admitted manslaughter and he admitted neglect. They were remanded in custody and are likely to face lengthy jail terms.

The court heard that the living quarters at the Scarbrough Arms where Tiffany died were “filthy and dangerous”. Live electrical wires were found hanging from the walls and one room where the family dogs were kept was full of excrement and urine.

In the 13 months leading up to Tiffany’s death, the Hirsts were “in a habit of leaving children locked up in residential quarters”. Tiffany was severely malnourished, covered in bites and eventually died of pneumonia.

A serious case review has been launched by Sheffield Safeguarding Children Board into Tiffany’s death and the neglect of another child – aged 12 months – to which the couple have also pleaded guilty. The board has representatives from the council, police, PCT, children’s hospital, Sheffield Teaching Hospitals, Sheffield Futures, NSPCC, and Probation Service. Alan Jones, its chairman, said: “We have been immensely saddened by the death of this three-year-old girl.

“The board has commissioned a review, to look at the involvement that agencies had with this family and to make sure any necessary changes are made so that children in Sheffield are no longer put at risk in this way.”

***********************************************************

When I was a child I always thought Tiffany was such a beautiful name. When I read about little Tiffany Hirst in the news while on the Tube today I got so disturbed that I couldn't think about anything else for a very long time, and finally had to let it out somewhere.

WHAT KIND OF SICK PERVERTIC FUCK DOES THIS? NORMAL PEOPLE WOULDN'T EVEN DO THAT TO HOUSEHOLD PESTS.

Robert and Sabrina Hirst. Remember these two names. I'm not sure if there is a God, but if there is, please can You make sure you send a memo to make sure they get extra special treatment when the time comes?

Remember Tiffany Hirst.

My thoughts have been dwelling on her all day, and I hope that wherever you are now, Tiffany, forgive us for letting you suffer in silence, and I hope you know that the world isn't like what you experienced in your short time here.

(3 years old, you sick FUCKS)

It isn't a dingy disease-ridden flat of which there is no escape from. It isn't full of electrical wires and dog waste. The world's imperfections may be apparent, but sweet Tiffany, there is much love in the world, and I hope you can feel our love and emotions for you wherever you are.

Do not judge the world based on the sick, twisted hell your so-called parents created for you. Do not think that humans are monsters, like what your 'care-givers' must have been like to you. If you ever decide to come back to this world, I wish you the very best and hope you will have the sweetest second chance at a life in this world.

A hilarious realisation

2008-06-09T23:00:00.004+01:00

[Mini update: junkie monkey by Urban Dictionary: A term used for fat, ugly rock-stars who are addicted to crack.]

I was a big Mr Bean fan once.

I'm sure you remember the opening scene for the original series - a spotlight shines on a cobblestone street, Mr Bean drops down ('cicak style', my dad always says), and a choir sings, while he starts to aimlessly run about.

I was humming the tune to myself today and thought they sounded rather Latin. I did a quick check on what the lyrics were.

Opening scene:
Ecce homo qui est faba
Ecce homo qui est faba

Closing scene:
Vale homo qui est faba
Vale homo qui est faba

Do you know what does that translate to?

Ecce homo qui est faba = Behold (the) man who is (a) bean
Vale homo qui est faba = Farewell (the) man who is (a) bean

Imagining it in English, I found that spit-sprayingly funny. Yeah, I'm weird.

Funkie foodies

2008-06-06T12:00:00.002+01:00

[Mini update]: New blog title (see your window title). I keep changing it. :/

Ever since making my own pasta, I kind of inadvertently became a pasta snob when it comes to restaurants. I never really enjoyed ordering pasta in restaurants, believing it to be the least worth-your-money option (which is true) as they simply boil some stuff and dump more stuff onto it.

However, I always jump at the chance to savour handmade pasta when I can. Hand-made egg pasta is really really good.

Casacelli ala Moda (on my friend's recommendation) at a local restaurant recently...

Note the Italian flag! Them Italians are always crazy for the flag representations. Spinach and parmesan on the left, ricotta and some meat pasta in the centre, and some kind of ham on the other. How come I don't know? It doesn't say on the menu, and didn't fancy gibbering my crappy Italian at the waiter. Doesn't matter, it's all good.

For dessert, profiteroles.

Nothing exciting here, except that I haven't had profiteroles since I was in Sicily I think ... long time.

Which reminds me of the lunch in Chelsea recently, behold the RM40 roti canai/prata.

To be fair it's like the best prata I've ever tasted. But it's 20 times the normal price.

Even their bandung has to be cheem.

Lol.

Best quote in a long time

2008-06-05T23:19:00.005+01:00

[Mini update]: Buy my item. Please? :(
[Mini update]: SkinnySmartie is coming to London in October!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!

While watching V for Vendetta, during the scene where Evey is 'reborn'.....

P goes into fits and says, "Yay! Now she becomes V too! Then she'll put on a mask as well and shou-la-shou (hold hands) with him! He is FIRE, she is WATER, together, WE ARE 'W'!!!"

I never laughed so hard in my entire life.

'Sex' is worth the wait

2008-06-04T18:00:00.000+01:00

Press 'Play' for the kick-ass revamped song!

I am, of course, talking about Sex and the City! I went to watch it over the weekend. And not just in any old theater.

In the fricking O2 arena, yeah baby. It was a great great day with great weather.

Many movie critics have said that while the movie is good, at 2 hours and 20 minutes it is too long. It's too short I say.

Anyways, no spoilers here, watch SATC the Movie right now - if you're in Censor City Malaysia get the DVD.

After that, I caught sight of a mini-golf course.

I won't torture you with a blow-by-blow account of my game, but suffice to say that I was doing pretty well until I saw someone get a hole-in-one and I got jealous. Cue cataclysmic blowup of concentration and using about 20 strokes on a single hole. Eeesh EEESH.

Time your shot so that it doesn't hit the revolving fan!

Cross the bridge without hitting the 'bumps' and try not to shoot off the course altogether...

The theory here is to hit the ball into the rotating 'ferris wheel' and the wheel dumps it on the other side straight into the hole. This, I found, is goddam impossible, and I tried at least 50 times (and held up a lot of people in the process).

All things considered, quite a nice day out. :)

Oiley Hikey

2008-06-04T13:08:00.002+01:00

The Malaysian Government will hike petrol prices tonight (4th June 2008) by 40% to RM 3.70 (premium leaded). Here's a quick 5-min what-I-think.

Pros:

Less pressure from the oil price increase
Better subsidy segmentation

People who need the subsidy (lower income bracket) will receive it - i.e. the subsidies are now easily tailored

Previously through a blanket subsidy, the people who benefited most from the subsidies are the ones that use the most petrol, who aren't necessarily the ones who need it the most (in fact quite the opposite)

Less problems with (sorry) Singaporeans and Thais skivving off Malaysian subsidies
More thought will be given to public transport

Government can use the extra funds to improve public transport (both in logistics and in public image)

People will be pushed to consider public transport instead of wanting a car as a 'given'

Less of the 'I must have a car or die trying' mentality

Hybrids may be able to break into the Malaysian market (a bit of wishful thinking but there you go)

- Makes the government extremely unpopular, which is always entertaining to watch

Cons:

My parents probably have to pay more
Extra funds may not be used for the right purposes (in which case I'd rather have the old-style subsidy obviously)
There will be a traffic jam tonight at all petrol stations
Poor station jockeys will have to work OT tonight

Considering that crude oil prices have doubled since last year and may very well triple, it's not really a drastic measure by the government...

A recent purchase

2008-06-02T09:41:00.004+01:00

[Mini update]: Flight captain's intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen. I am sorry for the delay in your flight, we are trying to chase a fox off the runway at the moment. . ."

[Mini update 2]: Seriously, buy my item. Please?

I bought something on impulse lately. Say hello to Pinky and Ponky. Pinky being the cat.

Got this when I was waiting for a flight. An old lady of infinite cuteness smiled at me and asked me if they were for my daughter.

-_-" Am I that old-looking?? I smiled and finally mumbled that it's for my baby sister. Nyahahaha.

But these ain't any old stuffed animals. I'll show you.

See? They have a velcro strap on their undersides - if you unfasten them, they become flat, bearskin-rug style!!!

Like so. Aren't they awesome?!

Saya ditag Joycie Boycie

2008-05-30T21:28:00.006+01:00

I can't believe I'm doing this. WTF.

7 fakta tentang saya

Saya kini berada di London.
Saya tidak menggunting kuku saya, sebaliknya saya selalu gigit kuku. Nak baiki sikappp...
Saya tidak boleh tidur sebelum mandi dulu... mesti bersihhhhh, cam mana kalau katil kotor????
Saya tidak sukakan komputer. Saya memerlukan mereka tetapi selalu rosak.
Suka makan kari. Bila-bila masa, beberapa kali pun boleh.
Saya tidak suka ais krim, cuma suka ais krim lembut (jenis yang dijual McD!!!)
Saya tidak suka Joyce kerana dia paksa saya fikirkan perkara-perkara rumit ini.

7 perkara menakutkan saya

Lipas. TERBANG KAT YOU KANG. Nasib baik London tak ada.
Steven Lim. Dia amat menjijikan.
Pemuda-pemuda London. You memang tak tahu yang mana akan menunjukkan pisau-pisau parang-parang.
Khairy Jamaluddin. Kena terang ke? Dia nih amat berbahaya kepada semua orang.
Kerajaan UK. Setiap kali mereka hantar surat kepada saya tentu menuntut wang.
Tuk-tuk. Masa saya menaiki tuk-tuk di negara Thai lah salah-satu kali saya betul-betul fikir saya matilah kali ini.
Tinggi. Tidak boleh sama sekali mendekati hujung bangunan apabila di atas bangunan tinggi....

7 lagu buat masa sekarang

7 perkara yang selalu saya sebut

'eeesh eeesh'
'haha.'
'eh?'
'hmmmm.'
'issit ha'
'hor'
'... can?' (seperti dalam 'don't like that CAN?')

7 perkara yang amat bernilai

Keluarga saya!
Teman saya... :)
Rakan-rakan saya!!
Kebebasan saya? haha.
Perkerjaan saya!
Pencapaian kehidupan saya...
Kesihatan saya...tak sihat nak buat ape?

7 “pertama kali” dalam hidup saya

Pertama kali ke negara serba giler ini. Masa tu I sungguh rindu rumah!!! eeesh eeesh
Pertama kali ke kerja, blur giler weh..... nasib baik buatkan kerja senang-lenang dulu
Pertama kali tengok Phantom of the Opera. Mahu tengok berkali-kali!
Pertama kali melihat surat tawaran/penerimaan saya ke universiti.....
Kali pertama menjadi wakil negara....sebenarnya tak leh ingat dah kali pertama, tapi pasti banggaaaa
Kali pertama masuk Istana Ilmu Sihir - masih tak percaya nasib saya!!!
Kali pertama buat perkara yang susah ini!!!!!!!! Grrrr

7 orang bertuah (JAWAB TAG NI BALIK!)

Little Bikini Shop of Horrors

2008-05-30T00:01:00.001+01:00

[Digression] BTW, I'm eBaying, buy my item!!!

I was shopping in Oxford Street the other day, when I saw something rather traumatising. You've heard of large bra sizes, but - ridiculous much?

Too big for even my head. The matching hipster for this bikini top could double as a picnic blanket.

Covent Garden

2008-05-28T11:27:00.009+01:00

London is awesome when the weather is good.

Perfect for a nice stroll around Hyde Park, or a spot of shopping, or general gawking in Covent Garden. I did a lot of each recently....

I saw this on the streets - the good old red buses again! Mayor Boris Johnson apparently started an initiative to get them back again. Well done him. However, the most reliable mode of transport is always going to be the Underground.

Covent Garden is quite possibly the funnest bit of London - there's something for everyone: shopping, weird street performances ranging from magic shows to opera singing, awesome restaurants, bars, clubs, etc etc etc.

Here are some regular sights:

Man in Gold Bikini Rides the Crazy-High Unicycle act. Always gets a huge crowd. He does this regardless of season, pity him when it's freezing and he's prancing about in his gold bikini thing.

Mr I Am Going to Throw a Playing Card Onto That Far Roof. Does random bits of magic in between, altogether very entertaining because of his showmanship rather than skill in magic. He DOES throw the card some ridiculous distance onto a roof though, so respect to him.
That's him flicking the card some crazy distance, in a cool(ish) hold-my-hat pose.

Various 'Statue Buskers'. This is where they stand around and pretend to be mythical creatures or statues. Here are two of my favourite in a rare having-a-chat situation: Hunky Orc and Quiet Tinman.

Hunky Orc normally stands on a pedestal and snarls at passers-by, usually gets a load of giggly girls and for some reason gets a LOT of attention. I've always wanted to put my camera under his loin-cloth type thing and snap a picture just to see what he'd do.

Quiet Tinman is one of my favourites just because he's the most statuesque of the lot! A lot of them don't even look like statues but Quiet Tinman on the best of days looks exactly like a bronze statue of a tired worker.

Of course, if the weather's hot you can always have a soft ice-cream from the many vans. with Cadbury Flake in them. Awesome.

To summarise, get out when the weather is good. Cos it's going to be crap the next day.

More ambigrams

2008-05-26T22:30:00.004+01:00

[Update: apparently the Junkie Munkie design is a symbiotogram, not an ambigram.
...OK somehow I get the vibe that no one cares. Anyway I care, slightly.]

I was gonna convert this into an awesome comp card for Jay, but I've been so busy over the weekend (Korean BBQs, friends' birthdays and so on, you know :) ), so I didn't really have any time. However, I did design something and I didn't want it to go to waste, so here it is, another ambigram (previous ambigrams here):

Apologies for the really 'dirty' image - I'm rubbish at cleaning up images digitally, and my scanner ain't that good (or I can't work it good, same difference). If someone could volunteer to clean it for me that would be great!

Jay, you're free to use this if you like... :)

Junkie Munkie

2008-05-24T09:19:00.006+01:00

More ambigrams

Here's a logo I designed over the week - drawn in hand and then scanned using a lousy-ass scanner, therefore the resolution of the words aren't so good.

To see what's cool about this logo you'd have to view it upside down. Here, let me help.
Thoughts?

Weird-looking (and potentially obscene) things I've seen recently

2008-05-23T00:38:00.005+01:00

Interesting past few weeks in London and elsewhere......this is a quick photo-upload post, more to come later!

Weird things noticed in the past few weeks

1. The flattest flat I have ever seen

Is this, or is this not, the flattest thing you have ever seen. I would so like to visit someone living in this thing. Spotted this while walking in Chelsea, unfortunately I saw this when I was late to lunch, and it was all the way over some bothersome fence or another so I didn't go check it out further.

2. Bars of gold...as doorstoppers

Proof that Chelsea residents are filthy rich. They are not satisfied wiping their ass and lighting their cigars with bank notes, so now here's a solid gold bar as a doorstop!

3. Milk carton jug

This one's just fun. Such an awesome design for a milk jug! Also in a Chelsea shop.

Finally, a dildo shower-head

This is the shower head of a hotel I stayed in recently.

It's smooth, polished and hard. Good for showers.

The dildo-shower in 'action'. Ahem.

That being said, I actually didn't like using it. Sure it looks funky, but it's disorienting as I always locate the water jet direction by feeling the shower-head (e.g. when your eyes are full of soap). With this you obviously can't.

Fashion junkie

2008-05-20T13:57:00.002+01:00

A nice idea if ducks were ever into fashion design. Any volunteers for models? :)

I present: Duck Connection UK™

Currently still out of action (ish) in Foreign Place, limited access to internet. Plus I'm sore throating and fluing all over the place. Bleargh.

inibelogsaya

2008-05-18T14:59:00.006+01:00

Other MDG posts:
The MDG Simulation Game
An open letter to the creators of MDG
The MDG letter: the reply

Hanis the Manis recently designed her own banner at her blog, and invited others to have a shot at it. Here's my 5-minute attempt. Hanis, if you're interested, drop me a word and I'll tailor it to your taste... :)

[Update] I've incorporated Hanis' suggestions, will do the other later :) You like?

Leaving on a jet plane

2008-05-17T10:15:00.004+01:00

I'm flying off to another city next week - will try and take lots of photos when I get back! Meanwhile, a quick Google Image search yielded these wonderful photos.....

Boobie Jiggle

2008-05-16T00:08:00.002+01:00

This probably makes it worse, but I found out today that my site comes up pretty high in the results when you Google 'boobie jiggle'. WTF.

I so did not imagine my site to end up like this. The original post that started this can be found here.

The MDG letter - the response from Jerad Solomon

2008-05-14T16:46:00.007+01:00

Other MDG posts:
The MDG Simulation Game
An open letter to the creators of MDG
Hanis' banner design

About a week ago, I mailed an email to the creators of MDG, with various suggestions and thoughts about the show.

No one responded, largely. However, Jerad Solomon, of which MDG was his brainchild (it's MDG that's the brainchild people, not Jerad!), was kind enough to reply.

"For the last time, I'm not the brainchild, MDG is my brainchild...!!!"

Anyways, if you've read my email, this is what he had to say.

Hello.

Thank you for your comments and detailed analysis of our show.

Best regards,

Jerad Solomon

I was like, 'that's it?' Damn sien weh, I write so long he one sentence done already. I a bit mm kam wan can. I decided to prod him a bit more - I really wanted to know what he thought about it. I replied:

....Thanks for replying. Do you have any comments at all regarding my email though? I'm interested in knowing what you think, as someone who created the show, and is very close to the production process (and subsequently the complications not privy to viewers). My thoughts are just from a viewers angle, and thus it would be very refreshing to have a 'backstage' viewpoint.

Nothing happened. I was puzzled. I'm sure many people email them regarding MDG, but I had hoped that mine was serious enough for them to properly respond to it - I mean, it's hardly of the angry email genre at all which I think would form the majority of the MDG email demographic....

I decided to politely follow up with him a little more. I wrote:

I am still awaiting further comments on my thoughts - please let me know what you think. Which points you feel make sense, or conversely are totally nonsensical? Which ones may have potential for implementation for Season 2?

I am genuinely interested to hear what you think, I await your reply.

This time, I had a response a few days later. He replied:

While we appreciate your thoughts and comments, unfortunately we are unable to address each mail we receive on a personal level. Many of the points you raised have actually already been considered by our team. The rest we will keep in mind for the next season. The formula we eventually adopt will be one that best balances ideals, constraints and commercial factors.

Once again thank you for your time and interest in our show. We hope to hear from you again in the future.

Best regards,

Jerad Solomon

You bet you'll hear from me in the future. :) Probably not the immediate future though, I give up on this particular email tirade for the moment - I'm just going to assume they're going to clean up their act somewhat for Season 2 seeing they have less budget constraints and uncertainties.

Anyways, so yeah that's as far as I got, sorry for not getting a more thought-provoking response.

Thoughts, reader?

Sex and the City: the Movie - world premiere in London

2008-05-12T21:59:00.028+01:00

Following on from my previous SATC post, here is the summary of my adventure in Leicester Square's Odeon Cinema today....

I was occasionally looking at the live feed on Leicester Square to check on this, when at about 12pm I noticed a rather large group already formed in front of Odeon, so I decided to set out.

There was already a respectable queue at the cinema. I managed to be in the '4th row' upon arrival, which was a pathetic showing relative to my expectations considering the time of the day I arrived. But some of them had already arrived since 8am.

These people come with deck-chairs and picnics and supplies ok. Professional. I looked around to get a rough demographic of the crowd - 95% bimbo girls, 4% gay guys, 100% insane.

My spot, however, was perfect - directly in front of the main entrance. Although there were at least 3 people in front of me. I slowly tried to move to the front, and managed to get to 3rd row, but that was the best I could do. These girls are adamant.

Then journalists came to ask us some blah questions, who's your favourite character, are you a shopaholic, what items do you like the most, what designer...

Don't you think this cameraman looks a bit like David Beckham?

Apparently this hostess is in 'Balls of Steel', I've yet to verify that. I love that show!

Jane McDonald from Loose Women. If you're going WTF, don't worry, I didn't know her either.

A print journalist then came asking some of the front row questions. I sneaked a peek at the notepad of the journalist and I was like !!!!!!! Look at her writing - it's all unrecognizable squiggly code. It looks like some Arabic text to be honest.

And bam, out of nowhere, some bikini girls started handing out leaflets for tanning salons. They were told off pretty quickly and left, but they got all the construction dudes setting the place up excited for the first time - they even started snapping pictures, haha.

And then Gok Wan (from How to Look Good Naked) came on! The crowd went fairly berserk at this point, and loads of them screamed for Gok to come over. But Gok was there to interview the Fab Four, so he didn't mingle with fans. At one point one crazy fan went "GOK! COME HERE NOW!" and he went "I'm workinggggg" like Gok only can.

The crowd grew bigger.

Some were tired but didn't want to move from their place, and so chose to sit down. I was gonna try that at some point but suddenly realised a fatal weakness in that strategy - you are ass level to everyone else. Like this.

Fart much?

All thingamajiggies were pretty much set up by 5.30ish.

At this point there was some crazy screaming going on at the far end, and the whispers began - Sarah Jessica Parker has arrived! The screaming was phenomenal - you could easily deduce where she was even if you couldn't see her, as the screaming just followed her. Can you see her in the distance in the green dress and hat?

I could also see Kim Catrall in the distance - in a red dress.

We were all craning our heads to get a better look, and then the Sugababes came over to our place.

Are they the Sugababes? I have no clue. Hahahahahaha.

And Vivienne Westwood as well - she signed a few autographs but didn't really mingle that much. She didn't look all that well to be honest.

Then the SATC stars started coming our way!!! Yay, cue the theme song!!!!

We were still focusing on SJP and Kim when Mario Cantone (Anthony, Charlotte's gay best friend) appeared pretty much right in front of us.

I forgot his real name so I just yelled 'ANTHONEEEEEEEH!!!' and he signed my book.

And damn if he didn't take up pretty much the whole page.

He must be thinking 'Nyahahaha, you girls can hog the spotlight, but I'll be damned if I don't hog ALL the good spots in the autograph spaces!!' Eeeesh.

And then OMG Cynthia Nixon was upon us, in a floor-length, low-cut pleated black Calvin Klein dress. And reportedly £200,000 worth of jewels. I certainly didn't notice that many things dripping off her neck/wrists.

There was just a host of CYNTHIA, CYNTHIA, CYNTHIA all the time she was near us. She was very polite and nice, but didn't come near my place, so I failed to get her autograph... Gok then whisked her away for an interview.

Then the almighty Kim Cattrall came over for a bit, wearing a red off-the-shoulder knee-length dress with a faint stripe by Vivienne Westwood.

This time the crowd went fairly insane. The girl in front of me went totally bimbo-mode - she'd look at her friend and go 'OMG it's Kim!' and they'd both scream at each other. Awesome, never seen hyper-bimbs before. Kim didn't get to our place as well though, but she went 'I'll be right back, okay?' and a honest-to-God Samantha wink. OMG I didn't know she talked like that in real life too.

And then she came back later and signed my book. Cue picture of her signing my book:

But my damn pen ran out of ink halfway through her signature so I have a half inked, half scratched autograph by Kim Catrall. Limited edition ok.

And then Kristin Davis, the cutest of the lot in a cherry-red vintage sleeveless dress and cream peep-toe heels, came over.

She was bubbly just like Charlotte - when we saw her we screamed, and she did her Charlotte-big-eyes thing and went 'AAAAAAA!!' back as well. I got her autograph right away!

Sarah Jessica Parker then was on the scene, wearing a pale green Alexander McQueen frock, with bag and stilettos, and a peacock feather Philip Treacy hat (which has attracted some controversy, but for the record I loved it immediately - it looks good on her), but she was quite surrounded by cameramen and photographers, so didn't really get to talk to her at first - she hung around agonisingly long before coming at us!

The girls then held hands and walked as a group to be photographed by the worlds photographers. Be flashed with the light of a million flashbulbs.

At this point they broke up and signed more autographs, but they were already starting to go in. SJP was the last, waving goodbye and motioning 'I haaaave to go in....', before disappearing and posing in front of more photographers.

Tally of the day:
1 back, fairly sore, hurts to cough
2 damn tired legs
2 aching feet, 6 hours standing, of which 1 hours tiptoeing
1 fairly nice bag, trampled somewhat
1 camera battery, from full to flat
1 throat, severely hoarse and parched
1 head, aching
1 set of hair, full of tree seed type things that only came out after washing a lot

Coups of the day:
4 autographs, sans Cynthia Nixon
Numerous photos, of which most you just saw
Viewing the Fab Four in person
Didn't get to see Chris Noth (Mr Big), Madga, Jerry Lewis (Smith Jerrod) et al, but oh well. Lucky people in New York
But got to see lots of other random celebrities, highlights Gok Wan, Vivienne Westwood, Sugababes, Cheryl Cole (I think) and Nelly (I think)
And knowledge of the fact that I was behind them when they took this eternal picture:

More pictures will come as my friends send me theirs!!!!

Press release from Anwar Ibrahim

2008-05-12T12:24:00.004+01:00

				I will now make it a point to post press releases I receive from Anwar Ibrahim's office. The most recent one, received just now, is as follows.
				-- FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE --- Press Statement - Royal Commission Report, May 12, 2008 We welcome the submission of the report of the Royal Commission on the Lingam video clip to the Yang DiPertuan Agong. We call for its full ventilation to the Malaysian public. If Prime Minister Abdullah Badawi is serious about judicial reform, then he should take this report to its logical culmination which is the investigation and prosecution of those who the report deems to have deviated the course of justice. We have to ask what the import of the Royal Commission’s findings are with respect to the unjust prosecutions and convictions in cases that fell within the gravitational field of the inquiry conducted by this Commission. It is critical that adequate measures be taken to restore the independence of the judiciary and to ensure the professional and unbiased investigation and prosecution of criminal activity by the Attorney General’s chambers that is free of executive interference. This would involve serious consideration of the inconsistence and dubious procedures being followed by the authorities right now in the investigation of cases that involve senior government officials and, to mention a few of the more egregious allegations, murder and the massive misappropriation of public fund. These issues are of deep concern to the Malaysian people and should not be taken lightly by the present administration. A half-hearted attempt at restoration would be as unsatisfactory as no restoration at all. ANWAR IBRAHIM Kenyataan Media Kami mengalu-alukan penyerahan Laporan Suruhanjaya Diraja mengenai video klip Lingam kepada Yang Di-Pertuan Agong dan meminta laporan itu segara didedahkan kepada umum. Perdana Menteri, Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi berhasrat melaksana reformasi badan kehakiman, seperti mana yang beliau umumkan sebelum ini, maka cadangan suruhanjaya tersebut supaya menyiasat dan mendakwa kalangan yang terlibat dapat dilaksanakan. Kami juga ingin memohon penjelasan bersabit laporan suruhanjaya yang mengaitkan isu ketidak adilan pendakwaan dan penghukuman kes-kes tertentu dibawah bidang kuasa suruhanjaya tersebut. Amat mendesak sekali untuk kerajaan mengambil tindakan wajar mengembalikan keyakinan terhadap badan kehakiman serta memastikan agar penyiasatan dan pendakwaan salah laku jenayah oleh Jabatan Peguam Negara yang bebas dari gangguan pemerintah. Ini pastinya melibatkan beberapa percanggahan dan kaedah yang dipertikai yang sewajarnya dipatuhi oleh pihak berwajib dalam penyiasatan kes yang melibatkan pimpinan kanan kerajaan termasuk kes-kes yang tercela seperti pembunuhan dan yang melibatkan dana yang besar. Rakyat Malaysia prihatin tentang permasalahan tersebut dan justeru itu tidak harus diremehkan oleh pemerintahan sekarang. Sebarang tindakan yang dianggap tidak bersungguh-sungguh bagi memulihkan kewibawaan badan kehakiman pasti nya tidak akan berhasil. ANWAR IBRAHIM

Sex and the City, in the City

2008-05-09T11:37:00.010+01:00

[update: my post-premiere report is up here]

[update: I found a great live feed of Leicester Square, you can see it has it happens here! Premiere is happening at 1800-1830 London time, 0100-0130 Malaysian time]

Dear all, I'm finally getting off my famous celeb-spot-hating ass off my couch this May 12th.

After frequenting Leicester Square for so long, I'm finally doing it. I'm going to try to be one of them dumb-ass screamers at the fences at a movie premiere.

For this movie.

Sex and the City - the Movie! Yes, it's premiering in London on May 12, and the Fab Four are confirmed as coming! Chris Noth and Jennifer Hudson are not, and I'm not sure if Madga or Jared Smith are coming, but I'm sure going to find out.

Now even if you wanna be one of the people seeing people going in to watch the premiere (how sad does that sound), you have to have a plan. Because the crowds are humongous.

Even for Stormbreaker, which I haven't seen and unfairly think it's a crap movie, has crowds many-deep. I need to be there early. Which means more effort.

Shit I'd better get a good view and go away satisfied from this or else I swear I'm never going to any more of these again.

The first trailer, IMHO, is good.

It doesn't reveal much, just shows what you're in for, etc. Obviously this is a privilege SATC has because most viewers already know the story and need no introduction. But I always maintain that trailers should not feature much footage from the movie - the best trailer would be a skit that is not included in the movie, just like the good old old old days. Worst trailer in the world is the American remake of The Italian Job:

I've never seen a trailer that reveals the plot so well - all twists, key lines, who dies, who wins, who loses. Not in general, IN EVERY SCENE. The trailer should be called 'The Italian Job in 3 Minutes If You Can't Be Arsed to Watch the Movie'.

OMG I just watched the extended, slight spoilers trailer which ruined some things for me but made me wanna watch it more. If you don't want any spoilers at all just skip this part...

*********************************************

Things I picked up:

1. Big's name is John James Preston, haha what kind of prissy-ass name is that.
2. Carrie is going to be married to Big, but troubles ensue (kind of a lame story, but SATC is never about story...)
3. Steve, from the sounds of it, cheats on Miranda...
4. Charlotte is pregnant!
5. Samantha doesn't change. LOL which is good.

*********************************************

So anyways, am going to try and see the Fab Four, then DEFINITELY going to see the movie. Will post pix!

junks

Malaysian Dream Girl Simulation Program

2008-05-08T12:36:00.005+01:00

Other MDG posts:
An open letter to the creators of MDG
The MDG letter: the reply
Hanis' banner design

This post is a ppt post, so click on the image to download the file and play!

Note: This is a satirical view on the Malaysian Dream Girl, no personal attacks planned nor intended. :) Enjoy, and leave comments on what you think!

The MDG simulation program - click to download

For more favourite posts click here, or go back to my main page.

An open letter to the people behind Malaysian Dream Girl (MDG)

2008-05-05T23:32:00.009+01:00

Other MDG posts:
The MDG Simulation Game
The MDG letter: the reply
Hanis' banner design

This is a copy of an email sent to MDG, and bloggers Kenny Sia, PinkPau, ShaolinTiger and Timothy Tiah.

[Update] I've posted a response, read it here.

[Update] No response so far from anyone, sent a copy to Capxion Media as well. Hope I get a reply, I really want to know what they think.

*****************************************************************

Dear MDG creators,

As a viewer of the series, I thoroughly enjoyed the development of the show and how it all turned out, and I would like to thank you very much for all your hard work. However, I do have some constructive opinions that I would like to share with all of you, if you were to be so kind as to spare a couple of moments for me.

The issues I've noticed were purely as a viewer who is disconnected from everyday Malaysian life and media, and thus purely as an internet viewer. I have not pursued extensive (re: professional) research, and so if there are some flaws to my opinions due to lack of research or insider know-how, I apologise in advance and welcome your corrections. I would very much like to know your views regarding my points, and would look forward to any response you might have.

The following are my observations and identified issues with MDG (season 1), in rough order of importance:

****************************************************************

1. Know thyself

An identity crisis

Firstly acknowledge that MDG has an identity crisis. It is not possible to authoritatively define what MDG is, even at this point. MDG seems to want to be known as a talent-search for Malaysia's next top model. This is reflected in the comments of the hosts and judges, and also by the general theme of the show's events (photoshoots, catwalk practice, and so on).

Yes, it says on the website, it is a "Online Model Reality Search", but if I were a girl being selected by Kenny and Elaine and Jimmy, and I was asked for the reason for joining, I would be hard-pressed for an answer, as it isn't immediately clear what MDG is looking for. Let's examine why.

Generally speaking, there are two types you see auditioning in reality shows:

a. People who want the prize, and believe they have what it takes.
b. People who want the thrill of being on television (the 'Hi Mom!' guys).

Discounting the 'Hi-Mom' people, who will always appear in any public opportunity to appear on TV, you then have to define your contestants (i.e. models-to-be) by either the prize or the selection process, i.e. 'what it takes'.

Factor I: the prize

So let's look at the prize. The winner of the competition does not secure any substantial model-related reward, at least not any that the contestants were aware of in the beginning. The focus is not on modelling at all. I quote the MDG website

"The first Malaysian Dreamgirl will drive away a Nissan Latio 1.8Ti (A), a RM10,000 preloaded AmBank NexG PrePaid MasterCard, a RM3,000 Wella Professionals hamper, RM1,000 of Escada fragrances, RM1,000 of Bebe apparel, RM500 of Nose footwear, an exclusive cover spread in NewMan magazine and an experience of a lifetime."

The only model-related prize in that is the cover spread, which a winner of any kind of TV show would probably get anyway. A girl truly wanting to be a model would want something like a modeling job. You stick cars and money as a prize, you get a lot of girls telling you they join the contest for the car. Is that really a bad answer?

Factor II: 'what it takes'

Next, let's look at the 'what it takes' factor. What does it really take to win MDG? Apart from the first selection process by the judges, it's votes. The judging process, apart from a small role in the judges' eliminations (kudos to Elaine, Jimmy and Kenny) has nothing to do with modeling. I fail to see how a good model can be effectively selected purely by the general public, or rather the most motivated general public.

Even in a voted system in other similar competitions, the judges normally have something to say - along the lines of 'I know the audience loves you, but I think you have a lot more to work on compared to the rest of the contestants - at this point I simply think you're hanging on because of your voters, not because you're good'. Even just focus on this would help greatly.

Fatal flaw

In MDG, you can see that neither the prize nor the selection process have much to do with modeling. So while the creators might have started out wanting this to be a model-search, the important bits that define the motive are not model-related. Hence, the contestants largely don't give a tuppence about wanting to be a good model, and that's Fatal Flaw Number One.

2. Thou shalt scrutinise the elimination system (not necessarily the usual SMS la-di-da)

Elimination flaw I - do the public know they are selecting a model? Do they know how to?

I'm not saying that purely public voting is necessarily wrong. Do the public really know that this is a modelling contest? In fact I'm still not sure if it is. When I watched the first episode, I had trouble identifying what to look for to decide who I wanted to win this competition. Is it good modelling? I wasn't very sure, as I was told at the end of the episode to 'vote for my favourite girl'. Alrighty, I'll vote for *insert name here* then, I know her/think she's hot/think she's nice/she made me crack up. In other words, do the public really know that they are judging them from a modelling perspective? Do you think they know enough about modelling to judge?

Let's expand on this. One may argue that on similar shows that searches for vocal talent in singing, a pure popularity contest proves effective. That is all very well, but performance in singing and selling records are also directly correlated to public popularity. Look at West End and Broadway, amazing singers everywhere, but they're not selling jillions of records. On the other hand look at Britney Spears (ok, maybe not right now, but when she was like hot cakes). Ergo, Popular Singer equals Profitable Singer, whereas Good Singer not necessarily so, if he/she is not popular.

Modelling (and sometimes subsequently marketing), is a whole different ballgame. Marketing works sometimes by the fact that the public aren't privy to certain tools of the trade. Words are angled to signify speed. A friendly tiger promotes sugared breakfast cereals. Fonts are come in Old English format or similar to establish class. And so on and so forth.

What I'm trying to say is that the public may not necessarily buy a brand that they designed themselves, because the public does not know what it is attracted to in marketing. They may design a brand and think it's cool/hip/whatever, but slap it on some merchandise and sometimes it looks ghastly, and the public may be the first to agree. So why put the public be the sole judge to select the ultimate fashion marketing tool?

Elimination flaw II - consistency counts for nothing

I once had an argument with a friend over a pool game called 9-ball. In 9-ball, the winner is decided by who legally pockets the 9-ball, and only the 9-ball. In other words, it doesn't matter who gets balls 1 to 8 - all that is just buildup before getting to 9. While that's the rules as I understand it, every person I've explained the rules to thinks "they're stupid". Why? Because pocketing just the 9-ball isn't an accurate measure of your skill in pool games. A total dunce could have a possibility of winning against an experienced player if he happened to be the player to shoot the last easy shot in. Hence, you do not feel that the rules are adequate enough.

Similarly, the voting process in MDG. I was a bit surprised that the eventual winner, or even for the various stages of elimination, were selected by votes tallied purely in the few particular days.
Given that this was an online series, where viewers do not necessarily view the episodes all at the same time, I would have expected a lot more time to vote for the winner in the finale, or even elimination for that matter. I'm no reality-show-creation expert, and forgive me if I sound naive (really), but what would have been so wrong with a cumulative vote aspect? A constant performer would have been more justly rewarded and thus outshine one who scrapes through inconsistently and by some wild-card or another, have a random spike in votes in the end. After all, if the MDG is looking for a good model, surely a better pick would be Constant Performer instead of Random Spike? For lack of better vocabulary:

Contestant 2 - a fair winner?

I'm not saying that consistency should count for everything. I just think it should count for something.

3. The flaw of the reward system

Flaw I - the challenges with nothing to challenge for

Firstly, the challenges. Yes, they are a good idea, and they definitely add variety to the show and inject a theme into the episodes. But come on, guys, you can give a better reward that some Ambank Mastercard thing. I understand you have to appease sponsors, but surely you can give the girls a more attractive reward as well? I'm talking about gameplay rewards, such as immunity for that round, an edge for the competition (extra catwalk/makeup coaching), 5 minutes of extra time to talk/woo viewers, whatever. There are literally no limits to the variety of rewards that you can think up that would seriously be desired by any contestant wanting to win. And they make the competition less monotonous than a simple process of elimination.

Flaw II - the performance-reward asychronisation

I'm pretty sure you are aware, but there is an asynchronisation of performances from the girls and the voting that leads to elimination. Let me explain further. If Girl A gets eliminated in the end of Episode 3, she is really being judged based on her performance in Episode 2. All her activity and effort in Episode 3 is effectively wasted. And while it isn't terribly important, isn't that a mark of bad planning? A viewer might be really impressed by a certain contestant, only to have her eliminated in that very same episode, with no control over that as the votes have already gone in and been counted.

4. The power of the feedback loop

This is a contentious issue. I'm not sure if this is a suggestion of simply something to be considered. I did notice that after a few weeks of living together, friction between some contestants (inevitably) surfaced. This is good. This is drama, and it's exciting, and it engages viewers. However, it would have been a lot better if this friction was left to grow on its own, without a Stabilising Force. What do I mean by a Stabilising Force?

This.

The allowance to call home is a contentious one. I admit, that without it, Season 1 would not have certain dramas that they did. But going back to early episodes, when dramas were beginning to develop between certain contestants, they were quickly quashed when the contestants received feedback from outside calls telling them to tone it down. I believe that the show had the potential to have so much more interesting developments had the contestants weren't allowed to receive feedback. But I admit that's a debatable issue as we did have drama developing anyway - my argument at that point would be that the reason for said drama was that the 'feedback' was up for a fight as well.

6. Say cheese...all the time

The cameras. I'm not sure what to do about this one. One constantly occurring issue I noticed as a viewer was that I get the feeling that I'm seeing a put-on show by the contestants, and not really as it happens - for example when dramas develop, we never have footage about anything controversial happening, and the reason I see that happening is that the contestants are always on their best behaviour when the cameraman is around. This leads to a undesirable situation where the viewers see one thing happening on screen, but the contestants (in their 'heart-to-heart' sessions) tell us a different story. It's confusing.

I have two possible suggestions to counter this problem.

Suggestion I - make like a Big Brother

This is pretty self explanatory, if you know Big Brother. Cameras would be installed in every room, and will be on 24 hours (need not be all viewed and monitored if you don't have enough human resources, but at least you can search footage based on comments from contestants and be inserted into episodes). The idea is to record them all the time so that the contestants pretty much don't care after a while.

Suggestion II - a little something for everyone

An interesting variation (and potentially a sponsor moment too) would be to hand each girl a video camera, to be filmed with, say 30 minutes of footage each week. The cameras could be programmed so that the recordings cannot be erased once recorded, so that puts an interesting perspective as to what the contestants choose to record. Interesting footage can be aired with viewers knowing who is the cameraperson as well, be it the contestant herself, or recording others, etc.

****************************************************************

So there it is, my thoughts and musings on what could have and can be done better on MDG. I hope this has been good food for thought for you, and I sincerely hope to have a response from you on what you think.

I would also like to thank you again for the show (especially the online aspect of it) in keeping a group of us entertained these few months.

Best regards,
junkie
internetscavenger.blogspot.com

What do you think happened? (Part 2)

2008-05-04T09:55:00.005+01:00

Continuing the PastyFace story, here is the account of what actually happened that night between PastyFace and HotGirl.

One additional feature of Shithoused-Drunk PastyFace is that he becomes imbued with a false sense of bravado. PastyFace, in his state of total inebriety, decided to seek HotGirl out. He trudged to HotGirl's dorm, beer-soaked clothes and all, and upon encountering HotGirl in her room, decided to forgo the niceties and traditional mating rituals, and came right on to her. HotGirl did what any normal girl would do when faced with a filthy, alchohol-soaked drunktard - she freaked out and ran out.

Having failed this particular mission and still randy, PastyFace decided to take care of things by himself, and promptly got undressed. Meanwhile HotGirl has gone past her freaking-out stage and is now outside her room observing PastyFace with a band of her mates with a kind of frank freak-accident-onlooker curiousity.

So it came to pass, ladies and gentlemen, that PastyFace attempted to drunkenly pleasure himself in front of a group of giggling college girls...and FAILED. According to HotGirl's story later on, he gave it a pretty good try, but things weren't working out between him and him in the end. Perhaps he was too tired. Or had a headache. In any case he pretty much gave up and fell asleep on her bed with everything still hanging out.

HotGirl spent the night in another girl's room. Obviously.

I'm not sure what that incident did to change HotGirl's perception of PastyFace, but I'm sure now he's a story making its rounds around the local rumour mill, and instead of being greeted with a wave and a smile when he sees HotGirl, he now sees giggling and whispering with mates...for the wrong reasons.

This is why....

2008-05-02T21:02:00.004+01:00

...imagination is boundless.

...traditional art will always beat photography.

...mind's eye will always beat the physical eye.

Hold Yourself Together, by genni
Medium graphite pencil on paper

I'm tempted to credit Escher with this too, but since genni doesn't mention him I'll make him an honourable mention instead.

Photography is nice, but is child's play compared to this.

What do you think happened?

2008-05-02T12:30:00.007+01:00

So my friend (lets call him PastyFace) tells me this drunk story:

PastyFace was celebrating some student occasion or another with a drink with some friends when he was led to a party with some (presumably) frat bros. Now PastyFace is pretty tall and big, but he's surprisingly lightweight when it comes to alcohol. I'm not talking about lightweight-for-his-size, I'm talking a-12-year-old-girl-could-shame-him lightweight. Seriously, I've seen the guy have half a pint of beer and then proceeding to engage strangers in conversations in Gibberish.

Also, another important point to note is that PastyFace had an ongoing crush with HotGirl in his university. He'd been contemplating approaching the issue, but for some reason or another (e.g. exams, homework, lack of testicles and so on), he did not pursue the HotGirl issue further than drooling after her at some point or another of the day. They were acquainted and I think were pretty OK friends, but as far as I know she probably wasn't going to write him no tearful goodbye come graduation. He tends to talk a lot about her when drunk.

Anyways, back to the frat party. While Americans mostly drink lightly, which is to say, high on the volume and horseplay but low on the kick, it proves more than a competent match for PastyFace's pathetic tolerance. So PastyFace has way more than he can, and gets massively, massively drunk. He claims not to have remembered anything apart from playing a lot of Beer Pong, does not remember when or how he left the party, who with, and so on.

....

The next morning, he wakes and finds himself in HotGirl's room and bed. He has his shirt on, but nothing much apart from that. He has a massive headache, and just then HotGirl comes out into the room wearing a bathrobe, wet-haired, presumably just having showered.

Now something has clearly happened, but the dilemma for our hero is that he does not remember what happened. At situations like these, one is definitely required to say something, and one may potentially get into a lot of trouble if one admits he can't remember the previous night. On the other hand, one might also stand to gain a lot by playing this right.

What do you think happened to PastyFace and Hotgirl that night?

Read the answer here.

Bloodninja 6 - Your schlong! YOUR schlong!

2008-05-01T22:46:00.000+01:00

Continuing the Bloodninja series...

Other Bloodninja posts:
Bloodninja 1 - Robe and wizard hat
Bloodninja 2 - HARRRRR
Bloodninja 3 - Pizza delivery
Bloodninja 4 - Green thumbs
Bloodninja 5 - One of Those Nights

Partner6: So you're really a 18 yr old girl right?
J-Dogg: Yeah, J for Julie.
Partner6: So whats with the "Dogg"
J-Dogg: Uh, It's cause I'm into the latina gangs and shit. You know, rollin with tha homies and shit.
Partner6: Oh, uh ok thats cool. So you ever seen a gun?
J-Dogg: Yeah like I got 6 guns.
Partner6:: Thats cool, so you wanna see my gun?
J-Dogg: hehe, of course baby.
Partner6: I pull off my pants and show you my "gun".
J-Dogg: Ohh, it's so big.
Partner6: Yeah, what you want to do?
J-Dogg: Umm, i guess stroke it or something.
Partner6: It likes that.
J-Dogg: aight.
Partner6: Keep talking to me baby...
J-Dogg: I kiss you on the mouth, hard, but then gently.
Partner6: Mmmm, daddy like.
J-Dogg: I unzip my pants...
Partner6: Yes, show me what you got.
J-Dogg: I pull out my schlong, and rub it on your breasts...
Partner6: WTF?!
J-Dogg: Oh shit, I meant, your schlong! your schlong!
Partner6: I've had it with you queers trying to cyber me, I only fuck women...
J-Dogg: Shit just don't shoot me man, I wasn't serious about the guns I have, I'm unarmed!
Partner6: You dipshit.
J-Dogg: I whimper to myself...
J-Dogg: please don't shoot me Mr.

******************************************************

juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: im good
el_effu_gone_wild: wuz up babe how u been
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: so good now
el_effu_gone_wild: what u doing
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: chilling at home
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: and now im thinking about you
el_effu_gone_wild: me too babe
el_effu_gone_wild: what's up what u wanna do
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: ciber
el_effu_gone_wild: are u wet?
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: I don't know are you baby?
el_effu_gone_wild: im soaking wet
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: what do you like?
el_effu_gone_wild: big tasty pussies
el_effu_gone_wild: u got one
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: oh yeah, me to
el_effu_gone_wild: are u naked?
el_effu_gone_wild: what are ur measurements
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: we are are making out on the couch
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: re you a dude?
el_effu_gone_wild: yeah why?
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: god damn it so am i
el_effu_gone_wild: forget it
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: thats ok we can still make this work. wear on the couch and I'm rubbing your tits
el_effu_gone_wild: oh hell no
el_effu_gone_wild: no way
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: come on,I was in prison. How about you?
el_effu_gone_wild: never been there thank you
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: your welcome
el_effu_gone_wild: ok
el_effu_gone_wild: you can try
el_effu_gone_wild: with
el_effu_gone_wild: madamlibrarian21
el_effu_gone_wild: that's a nick find her yourself
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: I go down on your warm wet pussy
el_effu_gone_wild: try also anamaria_maria2003 you might find her too
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: licking it
el_effu_gone_wild: you aint going nowhere with me
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: then I turn you over and make you eat my ass. mmmmm that fills good babe your tits are big
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver:Oh mmmm, just like that. I take you by the hips and do you fast lick a prison Guard
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: hello
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: el_effu_gone_wild are you playing?
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: hi?
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: answer me bitch or i'll stab you on the block
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: I didn't mean that come back to bed
juicy_fruity_x_lifesaver: that it fish , your going to be guided

Cock Block

2008-04-30T15:21:00.005+01:00

Stan gave me this title a few days ago - turned out a bit more bloodthirsty than the others. Anyone else have a good title for my next one? Leave me a comment!

Cock Block

Song Recommendation: Dim Sum Girl

2008-04-29T11:11:00.001+01:00

I can't even remember where I found this - during uni someone sent this to me. It is so genius I can't start to expound its virtues... Just look at the lyrics.

Dim sum girl, you leally lock my werl...

Come eat my rice with your chopstick and leave your spoon behind...

How can this not be genius, you tell me.

Song may take a while to load:

Yo, this song goes out to all you sexy girls who push the dim sum carts all
over the world...you know who you are, babies...you work so hard and we love
you so much....check it out yo

It’s been so long since I’ve seen you smile
looking so good coming down that aisle
with that sexy dress and a little dim sum
makes me crazy when I order chow fun

people - they’re telling me
that i shouldn’t bother with a lady
like you - you rock my world
yes you - my dim sum girl

watching...waiting...waiting for you baby
to tell me that I’m the guy for you and that you wanna be my lady
one day yes you will see - that I will always be
the one who will make fried rice for you for all eternity

Dim sum girl
you really rock my world
my dim sum girl
I never thought i’d find a
girl from northern china
who make me feel so good

Dim sum girl
in such a crazy world
my dim sum girl
I’m going to make it all right
we can party all night
so beautiful and pure

My dim sum girl

Why you gotta tease me, baby...
you’re driving me crazy
don’t you see...
don’t play me like that, baby - please
just give me one chance

In the morning - at noon, at night
I think about you and it feels so right
so happy - when you look my way
when i talk to you you make my day
I see the tears in your eyes
please my baby don’t you cry
tomorrow is a whole new day
let’s me and you sing karaoke

Together...forever...that’s the way it’s got to be
please make my dream come true so I can live my fantasy
oh say that you’ll be mine - you know it’s a matter of time
come eat my rice with your chopsticks and leave the spoon behind

Dim sum girl
you really rock my world
my dim sum girl
I never thought I’d find a
girl from northern china
who make me feel so good

Dim sum girl
in such a crazy world
my dim sum girl
I’m going to make it all right
we can party all night
so beautiful and pure

My dim sum girl

I don’t wanna live without you dim sum girl
take me away to your dim sum world
I want to hold you
I want to squeeze you
please say you will be mine - all mine

Hey baby you wear that dress for me?
you look great...what time you get off work, huh?
you must be so tired....let’s say you and me go get some boba tea -
relaxing....
what’s wrong, baby?
what’s wrong?
did I say something?
don’t leave me this way baby, no - don’t go....
you are the only one for me...please don’t break my heart like this!
no more fooling around....
I’m not a player anymore!
come back to me, baby....
come back to me.....

Cock and balls; nuts drop - the result

2008-04-28T09:55:00.002+01:00

Hello, hello.

So two days ago, fish in a stroke of brilliance suggested this idea to me. If you have no idea why the title of this post concerns cocks and balls and nuts, I suggest you go read the challenge first.

I decided that, further to fish's challenges, I had to have other rules to make it proper.

My interpretation of the mandate is thus: the objective is to maintain the title as it stands, while points are for creativity in interpreting the meaning of the title.

Condition 1. There will be no naming of entities to convenience the title. That basically means I won't name someone Cock or Balls or something like that. I mean, if your teacher asks you to use a word, say 'smelly', in a sentence, you don't go 'I looked up the word 'smelly' in the dictionary', do you? In other words, this would be a cop-out and basically can be used with any word, not just cock or balls etc. So, cock has to mean cock, balls have to mean balls, and so on.

Condition 2. There will be no punctuation or tenses to convenience the title. I didn't check with fish on this one, but I did play around with the idea of playing 'and' as a London pronunciation of 'hand', but I felt that would be too weak. Similarly nothing like 'nuts dropped' etc.

Condition 3. The title, namely 'cock and balls; nuts drop' would have to make sense as a sentence. This being clearly almost fricking impossible seeing that the sentence doesn't make any sense as it is.

Having said that, I present my response to fish's challenge. Leave a comment, and let me know what you think! Does my response adequately address fish's challenge?

MY RESPONSE - The Scavenger newsletter, click to read.

Ok enough of this subject for a while, people are beginning to think this is a pornographic site. Not good.

[UPDATE] I am AWARD WINNING! Check the left side of the blog to see my award.

[UPDATE] Medley of thoughts

Obviously simply drawing the first thing that pops to mind would be simple. But it wouldn't be a good piece; it is borderline infringing Condition 1. In other words, drawing the following is not kosher.

EXAMPLE OF A LAME ENTRY - I know this looks more like a dildo and dogshit, but this was done in like 2 minutes la.

One idea very nearly made it. In this scenario, I pictured a small English town which was tired of its church ringing everyday, which was very loud and not very melodious. I didn't work out the intermediate details in the end, but it basically ends in a scene where escapees from a mental asylum chicken-nap a rooster and climb to the top of the church tower. They then hurl the ill-fated chicken into the bells and the poor bird is squashed and finally muffles the ringing. After that, they slip and fall down the tower. I was then going to work in a typo-error explanation into the newspaper headlines next day which originally intended to read 'Cock end bells; nuts drop', but ended up something else due to either a missing 'e' key, or a software bug replacing all 'e's with 'a's. Delicious idea. I'm not sure which is the better idea, this one or the final one, but I thought the final one 'packaged' better into a single newspaper article with illustrations, whereas this idea would have trouble.

Happy birthday naeboo

2008-04-28T09:40:00.012+01:00

I was on the KSCB the other day and heard the others say it's naeboo's birthday today. That gave me an idea, so here it is. Happy Birthday Naeboo from KSCB-ers!

>>Download link<< - Download and unzip! Get the file to play the animations. You can move your cursor over the logo too...

If you reuse this, please be nice and credit this to me. Thanks! :)

Cock and balls: nuts drop - the challenge

2008-04-26T17:56:00.007+01:00

sillydrunkfish has issued a challenge to me, after viewing my undies post. She has dictated the subject of my next composition, and the subject is thus:

****************************************
cock and balls; nuts drop
****************************************

My mandate has been set. I will respond by 8am Monday morning, UK time.

[Updated]:

I'm working on an idea!
Meanwhile, why don't I have any comments! Support meee I want comments too! Anyone is interested in taking up the challenge as well? Monday about 12pm Malaysian time!

[Updated]:

No. 44444 has a submission!

[Updated]:

Referring to this site:
[Updated]:

I've finished. I hope it's good enough! Will post Sunday night.

A little Blagging goes a long way

2008-04-26T17:20:00.000+01:00

Pwned (click to view)

Rocks your UNDIES OFF

2008-04-25T22:16:00.008+01:00

Heard of the expression 'rocks your socks'? Well, Yoei from the KSCB has a version he imposes on everyone with a manic glee - his version is 'rock your undies off'. While one might contemplate the lameness of his particular catchphrase, it got my ppt urges going again.

But how on earth do you illustrate 'rock your undies off'?? The 'undies off' part is obviously easily done. But 'rock'? What the hell is 'rock' in this context anyway? I haven't a clue. Yoei sounded like he didn't either.

junkie: oei yoei, so what is 'rock' la in 'rock your undies'
yoei: rock lor, like pull or take out?

Er, ok. Not helpful Yoei. So I had a long think to myself. How would one 'rock' in such a way that undies would go off?

Would one...

...Use powderful Qi, a la DragonBall?

YoshhhiiiiAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

...'Rock' others using sheer coolness?

YoshhhiiiiAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

...Or act so lame that undies just fall off.

YoshhhiiiiAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Let's have a vote, guys. Which version of 'rock your undies' would do Yoei justice???

Winner Gets Shot

2008-04-24T16:37:00.004+01:00

A true-story anecdote from university days. Ah, the joys of university...

**************

19:05 I arrive at the Project Room for a poker game. We have called along some friends and expect 8 people.

19:06 Only PokerPlaya is there with all the booze and cards. We have vodka, rum, tequila and beer. We crack open a beer each and start drinking.

19:07 He is wearing a top hat. I find out we’re supposed to wear a silly hat each. This does not deter my enthusiasm. I rummage in the trash-heap outside and find an old beanie. It smells slightly. I disregard this.

19:08 I return to the Project Room wearing the beanie. PokerPlaya is impressed by my spontaneity.

19:10 Second beer.

19:12 AudioPhile arrives. He’s brought his cables. We hook up PokerPlaya’s iPod onto the room’s sound system.

19:15 Third beer. No one else is arriving. We belch, curse and question the presence of the no-shows’ testicles and their paternal origins.

19:17 SmartBoy arrives. We decide to start. We kick in a fiver each and decide that the winner takes all.

19:18 We play ‘Winner Gets Shot’ texas hold ‘em. PokerPlaya explains that this simply means that the winner of every round downs a shot. He brings out the ceremonial shotglass. We fill this with vodka. We continue with our beers.

19:22 Pair 3s at the end of the hand. I am not off to a good start.

19:23 AudioPhile wins. He grabs the shotglass and downs the vodka, and sweeps the pot, grinning. We refill the shotglass.

19:29 PokerPlaya wins a lot of money from me. He trash talks me. I hate PokerPlaya.

19:32 Audiophile wins again.

19:35 PokerPlaya wins. I’m determined not to be the last to win a round.

19:38 SmartBoy wins. I hate everybody.

19:47 I still have not won. The vodka is half gone.

19:51 I win with a full house. I AM LEGEND. I down my shot.

20:14 I am ahead of SmartBoy on chips. The vodka is finished. We move on to the tequila for the shots. We have also finished half our beer.

20:18 We double the ante an hour after starting. SmartBoy has had the least shots at 4, and PokerPlaya the most at 8.

20:30 PokerPlaya has the lead. He is also the drunkest. He mumbles to himself and we have trouble understanding him. This does not stop him from winning. We all agree he is not drunk enough and make him drink one extra shot.

20:46 PokerPlaya loses a big round to AudioPhile. He does not understand that he did not win. AudioPhile prevents him from taking the chips. PokerPlaya drinks the shot anyway.

20:52 AudioPhile wins, but spills the shot. We yell at him and remind him of the scarcity of booze. I tell him to lick up the booze from the table. We all think this is a great idea. AudioPhile licks up the mess on the table.

21:10 We finish the tequila and move to the rum, which is industrial-sized. I blearily remember that the booze tonight was supposed to be for 8 people instead of 4. I also calculate that at 25% of downing a shot every 3 minutes or so, we are averaging 5 shots an hour plus beer. I am very pleased with my mathematical ability.

21:18 We double the ante again. The game is now very fast. I am losing rapidly. I try not to be the first to bankrupt.

21:28 SmartBoy is bankrupt. We make him drink one ‘shot of shame’. He now freely drinks the rum and beer. I’m beginning to think he’s the smarter one.

21:46 I go all-in on a four-of-a-kind. PokerPlaya trumps me with a flush. I thought poker flushes only happened on TV. I feel cheated of my hard-earned 4-kind. I take my shot of shame while giving PokerPlaya the death-stare.

21:53 I want to get back in the game. AudioPhil and PokerPlaya do not let me. I call them pussies.

22:03 AudioPhile and PokerPlaya lets SmartBoy and me back in on a 3-shot condition.

22:04 I down 3 shots in 5 seconds. It is a very interesting experience. I am convinced that this is a very difficult feat and I am to be regarded in awe.

22: 20 I am bankrupt again. I am not really fussed this time.

22:29 It’s down to AudioPhile and PokerPlaya again. We begin discussing our post-graduation trip planning.

22:34 We talk about JapFreak and our brainstorming session earlier that week on sustainability issues. SmartBoy tells us that in one of the sessions, FlowerGirl started a brainstorm for a ‘creature that represented sustainability’. JapFreak then ran up and drew a massive cock on the whiteboard. We all agree that that was the best representation of sustainability and conclude that JapFreak is a genius. I find his ingenuity very funny. I start giggling to myself at random intervals.

22:48 AudioPhile wins the tournament. We cheer him incoherently. He grabs the bottle of rum which is a quarter-full, and down it. We cheer some more. AudioPhile has won a twenty.

22:51 We decide to go to a college bar nearby. I wonder aloud what to do with all the bottles and cans. We decide to leave them as a present for the juniors having lectures here the next day.

22:53 I think that mere bottles and cans, which are easily removed, does not represent enough carnage for our poker night. I tell the others this. AudioPhile grabs permanent markers, which marks are not so easily removed.

22:55 AudioPhile runs up to the whiteboard and wonders what to draw. I yell out the first thing that comes to mind: ‘COCK!’ He thinks this is hilarious and scrawls a massive one in a single stroke. I appreciate this technique.

23:01 There are cocks drawn all over all 4 whiteboards in the room. We are very tall and can reach high places. We draw some on the ceiling. We leave the Project Room. PokerPlaya takes the unopened cans of beer.

23:13 We arrive at the college bar. The tequila shots are very cheap. AudioPhile uses his winnings to buy us more shots.

23:20 We have 3 rounds of shots. I’m beginning to disconnectedly feel afraid for myself due to the insane amounts of alcohol consumed tonight. At the same time I also begin to not feel so good. I start empty-swallowing cautiously.

23:33 I have to throw up. I knock over a girl as I run to the toilets. I bend over a sink and let loose. There is a lot. I still feel drunk as hell. I trip over a foot protruding from under a toilet stall door.

23:37 I cannot find anyone. I decide to leave.

23:39 I find my backpack from the coatroom. There is a jacket tied to it. I try to untie it.

23:41 I do not understand. I only want my bag. The jacket does not want to let go. I get impatient. I put on my backpack. The jacket hangs off the back of my ass. I ignore this.

23:48 I get on my bicycle. After a while, the jacket gets caught in the rear wheel. It becomes very difficult to cycle. Instead of stopping, I put in more effort.

23:56 I am very aware that the cars passing by are making a lot of noise and swearing at me. I think maybe I am too far away from the curb. I want to get home fast, so I decide against walking home and continue cycling. The jacket is surprisingly tough and is still being a bitch against my wheels.

00:02 I reach the park. There are ‘pedestrian barriers’ at the entrance to prevent cyclists from riding too fast into the park. I decide to zip through like I normally do.

00:03 I have crashed into the barriers. It is very painful. I know it will hurt more in the morning. My fingers are kind of mangled. Nothing is broken. I declare myself OK to the park. My recollection ends here.

EPILOGUE

That is all I could remember. This was easily one of my drunkest nights – I woke up in the morning still unchanged out of my clothes on my bed. I was still wearing my backpack, and the jacket was still there. The jacket was wrinkled and dirty, but very much intact and reusable. I have newfound respect for Marks and Spencer.

AudioPhile passed out in the college bar toilet. It was actually his foot that I tripped over in the toilet. He woke up at 4am when everything was locked up, and had to call his friend (who worked at the bar) to let him out.

SmartBoy eventually went to his girlfriend’s place and apparently barfed everywhere. ‘Torrential vomitus’ was the term, if I remember correctly. He also encountered AudioPhile’s (anonymous) foot in the toilet, and took it to himself to ‘wake up the fucker’ by kicking the foot repeatedly. It was also SmartBoy that tied his jacket to my bag to ensure that it would be brought home, knowing that he would probably forget it in that state. I guess he really is smart.

PokerPlaya either doesn’t remember what happened from the bar onwards, or doesn't want to tell us. He did wake up the following morning, however, stark naked on his bed, with his room door wide open, and a half-eaten burger next to him on his pillow. I also got multiple texts from him on my mobile phone, all containing only single words – cock, fuck, ass, flass were some of them.

I didn’t dare look into the Project Room the next day, but when I did, it looked normal – someone cleared out all the trash fairly early, it seems. The ceiling cocks were still there though. I kept waiting for a stern email to go around, but none ever came.

And that my friends, is the true story of how cocks appeared on the lecture room ceiling. The moral of the story? Don’t play Winner Gets Shot. The game was invented by the devil.

****

Bloodninja 5 - It Was Just One of Those Nights

2008-04-24T12:22:00.002+01:00

Hello, hello.

To officially serialise the Bloodninja series:

Ta-da. I am too free. Scanned pencil sketch w/ random words stuck on it.

I'm going to put this on all bloodninja posts. Anyways, to more ninja-chat.

Other Bloodninja posts:
Bloodninja 1 - Robe and wizard hat
Bloodninja 2 - HARRRRR
Bloodninja 3 - Pizza delivery
Bloodninja 4 - Green thumbs
Bloodninja 6 - Your schlong!

*****************************

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out everyday, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Killed the Chatbox

2008-04-23T16:37:00.007+01:00

Hello. I've discovered a new channel of art expression - Microsoft PowerPoint.

My first attempt at an idea:
Let me know what you think!

Song Recommendation - Ice Kachang

2008-04-23T10:39:00.006+01:00

I bought their album as a kid - with my own money through a covert operation (I asked a friend to buy the audio cassette for me - those days CDs only just came out and to a 10 year old were RIDICULOUSLY expensive) as I couldn't convince my dad to buy me one. He listened to one of the songs (Why You So Like Dat) and dropped the headphones like they suddenly turned into leeches. No exaggeration.

Anyways, still the best purchase I made. I include the song and lyrics here - more to come in later posts!

Watch out for the subliminal chorus of chilli padi, chilli padi and and sambal belacan, sambal belacan and cendol sweet POTATO... [song file may take some time to load, patience!]

Ice Kachang
by Kopi Kat Klan

Yai yai yai yai…. (repeat)

You always say I’m unromantic
Don’t know ways to make a girl tick
I must say you’re right about it
For I am truly unpoetic

But I am not dumb
And not that stupid
It’s just that sometimes brain not working
So I didn’t sleep
Used my little wit
To write this little bit (Yai yai yai yai yai yai yai…)

You are my ice kachang (ice kachang)
In this tropical heat (my heart melts for you…)
You are my favourite dessert (ooh la la)
So inviting, so sweet
Would you like to bo bo cha cha (cha cha cha)
Come along and dance with me (shoo bee doo wap shoo bee doo wap)
You are my love
My tutti fruitti
Someone I’d like to eat

Sha la la… Yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai ya-ya-yai…YAIH

Every time when we go dating
First the movies then go shopping
You always hint I’m unexciting
It has been so since the beginning

But I am not dumb
And not so stupid
‘Tis just that sometimes I’m a blur king
So I didn’t eat
Used my little wit
To write this little bit (Yai yai yai yai yai yai ya…)

You are my ice kachang (ice kachang)
In this tropical heat (my heart melts for you)
You are my favourite dessert (ooh la la)
So inviting, so sweet
Would you like to bo bo cha cha (cha cha cha)
Come along and dance with me (shoo bee doo wap shoo bee doo wap)
For you are my love
My one atapchee
Someone I’d like to eat

Each time I look into your eyes
I see some pretty colours, very nice
I wouldn’t mind paying any price
I’m kachang over you (I sago honeydew)

You are my ice kachang (ice kachang)
In this tropical heat (my heart melts for you…)
You are my favourite dessert (ooh la la)
So inviting, so sweet
Would you like to bo bo cha cha (cha cha cha)
Come along and dance with me (shoo bee doo wap shoo bee doo wap)
For you are my love
My tutti fruitti
Someone I’d like to eat

Babies are hilarious

2008-04-22T23:24:00.002+01:00

Babies are hilarious, especially when they're not yours. That is, when you get to do the OMG YOU ARE SERIOUSLY THE CUTEST THING EVER and get to look the other way and run when it's nappy time, feeding time, vomiting time, etc.

In college, we used to have streams of kids coming past us on some tour or another and my college mates would go 'OMG, WHO ARE THESE LITTLE PEOPLE? YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE!'

I digress! There was some serious money (to a student anyway) to be made at the time by being a student guide around my college and my friend Di offered to do it. What you would basically do is to lead the kids around the college with their teacher/guide, and show them the Hall, the lawns, gibbering about the history of the college, and the student rooms.

Cut back to a few weeks before that, two of my college mates (we'll call them A and B) decided, for a joke, they would try and bling up a remote control car. They went to the toy store and got themselves a Matchbox RC car. This type was exceptionally small, and this is an important point. They had plans, you see.

Anyways they had a couple of days fun driving the tinny thing about, then they got to Phase 2 of their plan. They purchased another item.

Sexy Mouse, I laik!

Yes, a boobie mouse. The boobs are actually suspended in liquid (like some car compasses) and will jiggle like crazy when you shake them! Awesome stuff.

Anyways they took off the mouse 'shell' and threw away the rest.

Then they took the car shell off, and threw the shell away.

Then they combined the boobie shell and the RC car body into

A boobie RC car.

To this date I so regret not taking a picture of the thing. It didn't work very well - the shell was a bit too big and kept catching on the carpet, but that just made the boobies jiggle even more. A and B took immense pleasure in chasing the girls in their corridor with it, and the girls would duly comply, shrieking and running up and down the corridor at top speed.

So anyways. Back to Di, who is showing teachers and kids around the college, and just gets around to the student rooms.

Di : So these are the student quarters, where students hang out and study between lectures.
Kids : Oooooh.

Suddenly Rachel runs top speed down the corridor screaming in mock terror.

Rachel : AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boobie RC Car races crazily after Rachel, boobies jiggling on the verge of flying right off.

A and B then runs after Rachel and the Boobie Car, with A at the controls. They are laughing fit to kill themselves.

A and B: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. No, wait, Rachel....AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

There was this precious moment where Di, the kids and A and B looked at each other (Rachel was long gone but the Boobie Car was still jiggling inappropriately in front of the kids)

Di : [shell-shocked for words]
Kids : ......

A and B: Hey kids...HAHA....erm...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA [runs into the nearest unlocked student room and closes the door.

So yeah, that was university.

Anyways, to babies.

Pwning Hillary

Pwning you

Baby Ally Whatever - don't search for other versions, the imitations are horrendous and will scar you mentally for life:

The clip that got me looking at crazy babies:

So yeah, to summarise, get a baby, so I can play with it. Him/Her.

In Bruges

2008-04-21T22:52:00.004+01:00

[WARNING]: I highly recommend watching this film, and the following contains almost 100% spoilers, so either watch it or just read it anyway.

[ANOTHER WARNING]: High levels of profanity.

In Bruges is about two hitmen (one experienced, one after his first job, accidentally kills an innocent) spending some time in Bruges, presumed in the beginning to take the heat of the killing of the innocent.

So I totally loved this film. To be honest the trailer is kind of shit, but you can't really put a trailer together for a film like this. If you've watched Snatch and Lock Stock, this movie is definitely for you. If you haven't go watch all of them. Now.

What does In Bruges have?

Guns.

Harry: [while buying a gun] An Uzi? I'm not from South Central Los-fuckin-Angeles. I'm not planning on mowing down a bunch of ten-year old black kids in a drive-by. I need a normal gun for a normal person.

Fat people.

This scene is forever seared into my mind.

American fun.

Ray: [beating an American tourist] That's for John Lennon, you Yankee fuckin' cunt!

Midgets.

Ray: They're filming midgets!
Ken: C'mon, let's go back to the room.
Ray: Fuck off, Ken, they're filming midgets.

Classic dialogue.

Harry: [through a written note] Number One, why aren't you in when I fucking told you to be. Number Two, why doesn't this hotel have fucking phones with fucking voicemail on them and not have to leave messages with the fucking receptionist? Number Three you better fucking be in tomorrow night when I fucking call again or there'll be fucking Hell to pay I'm fucking telling you.

Iconic scenes.

Priest: What did you do Raymond?
Ray: Murder, father.
Priest: Why did you murder, Raymond?
Ray: For money.
Priest: You murdered for money?
Ray: Yes, father.
Priest: Who did you murder for money, Raymond?
Ray: You, father.
Priest: ...What?
Ray: What, are you deaf? You!

Deadpan absurdity.

The shortest classic quote I have ever thought possible.

Ray: Bottle!

Anyways, In Bruges is finger-lickin awesome, if you've seen it you'd agree.

Buildings of the world worth noting

2008-04-21T21:52:00.001+01:00

1. The ING Autonomous Building, Amsterdam

This building is somewhat renowned for being an autonomous building, which means it is fully sustainable without any external support (e.g. electricity, water, waste disposal, etc). That's pretty impressive. Pretty - funny choice of words, seeing that this is one of the most offending obscenities I have ever laid eyes on. If I had to describe it, I'd say it looks like a giant glass dong. On stilts.

ING Headquarters - seeing is believing

Cool factor: They don't have to pay any utility bills. Human waste (ahem) is taken care of without channeling it to wherever it is people channel them in regular buildings.

Lame factor: This is one building that looks just as apt to roll down the slope it's on as it is to collapse. Seriously, what the hell is it supposed to resemble, a white trash boat trailer?

2. Lat Prao (The Elephant Building), Bangkok

Now this is just...bizzare. How many buildings not only sport lifts, windows and doors, stairs and all the usual, but also eyes, ears, legs and even a fricking tail and tusks?

One thing it's definitely not good for is to base your bachelor's pad there. No matter how smooth you think you are, there's just no bringing any girl home to a building that looks like an abandoned child's Lego playset. Also, you don't want to point at the elephant's ass and say "that's where my bachelor's pad's at!". Just doesn't work guys.

Lat Prao - does my ass look big? HELL YEAH

Cool factor: This is an elephant building, with eyes, tusks, legs, trunk and even a suggestion of ears.

Lame factor: This is an elephant building, with eyes, tusks, legs, trunk and even a suggestion of ears.

I was only going to post this when I had more buildings to write about, but I want to push down the rude post I posted yesterday (Sunday) that isn't very SFW, haha. I might do more later!

F**k Monday

2008-04-20T17:04:00.006+01:00

KNNBCCB!!!!

Enough said.

The Nokia Morph Concept

2008-04-20T09:33:00.013+01:00

Got a bulletin in my email today from my alma mater, one of the articles highlighted some research ongoing with Nokia on the Morph Concept - the ultimate design concept application of the nanotech research conducted at the university that could be applied to consumer electronics.

Please note ar, this is at this stage only a concept, something engineers have developed about 50-75% of the technology, and have not begun the process of readying it for consumers, tech integration etc. But it gives a target, something to work towards to.

Here's a video of the Nokia Morph concept (click on the image). Are you ready to wet your pants? The iPhones look like tai-ko-tais compared to this.

Bloodninja 4 - Green Thumbs

2008-04-20T00:15:00.003+01:00

Part 4 of the popular Bloodninja...

Other Bloodninja posts:
Bloodninja 1 - Robe and wizard hat
Bloodninja 2 - HARRRRR
Bloodninja 3 - Pizza delivery
Bloodninja 5 - One of Those Nights
Bloodninja 6 - Your schlong!

bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
Katie_007: Sure, you into vegetables?
bloodninja: What like gardening an shit?
Katie_007: Yeah, something like that.
bloodninja: Nothing turns me on more, check this out:
bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
Katie_007: is that it?
bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.
bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?
Katie_007: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... sexily.
bloodninja: I ride your buttocks like they were amber waves of grains.
Katie_007: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.
bloodninja: Damn baby you're right, this shit is HOTT.
Katie_007: ...
bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
Katie_007: What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.
bloodninja: Yeah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.
Katie_007: whatever.

Office Survival Guide to Pooping

2008-04-19T22:00:00.000+01:00

So there was one time in my office, where I felt a biological need to perform an act not deemed very polite in an office setting. Not very polite in most settings with other people as a matter of fact. But obviously being in an office with actual people, giving into my urge was most decidedly not kosher. kSo I had to grimace and continue working at my computer. It did however give me an idea, and I promptly googled "ways to fart in the office". Oh come on, we all do it, grow up already.

Anyways, so I googled "farting in office" and I found this gem.

****

WORK POOP

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Most Random Blog ever.

2008-04-17T17:01:00.002+01:00

I came across this today.

It is awesome.

http://crapbag.blogspot.com/

Tribute to a heroic champion

2008-04-17T11:55:00.007+01:00

From The Times

April 17, 2008

Tourist steals scene opposite Gwyneth Paltrow

KNEBWORTH A British holidaymaker with no acting experience bluffed his way on to a Hollywood film set and was asked to act in a scene with Gwyneth Paltrow.

Carl Kelly, 29, of Knebworth, Hertfordshire, told security that he had left his pass inside the set and was believed “because I had a British accent”. He sat down with the other extras and, seven hours later, was called to do a scene with Ms Paltrow.

He said yesterday: “Some 38 takes later, I think they were getting pretty fed up with me — but that’s what happens when you let an untrained nobody into your film.”

The salesman, who had been staying at Caesars Palace after watching the boxer Ricky Hatton take part in a world title fight last June, now appears in the background of promotional posters for the science fiction thriller Iron Man. By the time the shoot had finished, Mr Kelly had missed his plane home. “I had to shell out for a new flight but after blagging my way on set I felt I couldn’t do a runner as they would have to start from the beginning.”

**********

He is a champion la, seriously. Here is one of the promotional pictures from the Iron Man website - I've pointed out our hero in action. Click to see the text:

Iron Man: the most heroic of them all wasn't supposed to be there in the first place

I'd be lining up to watch Iron Man now.

Bloodninja 3 - Papa John's Pizza Delivery

2008-04-17T00:11:00.007+01:00

3rd of my Bloodninja series. Read the other posts here:
Bloodninja 1 - Robe and wizard hat
Bloodninja 2 - HARRRRR
Bloodninja 4 - Green thumbs
Bloodninja 5 - One of Those Nights
Bloodninja 6 - Your schlong!

Bloodninja 3

Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: OK, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate: I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the fuck?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate: Fuck

Late night taxi ride

2008-04-16T23:48:00.005+01:00

Late night tonight for me. Pretty tired, and feeling an onset of something nasty.

I’m on my way home from work as I type this – going home in a cab, typing this out from my laptop. There’s something very interesting and unique about this, typing and looking out the window at the incredible metropolitan life this city has to offer. The cab driver thinks I’m an obsessive workaholic. I can see him peeking at me from his rear-view mirror.

Workaholics. What can you do, times are hard, credits are crunching, CDOs are TKOing. There’s rumours of massive layoffs going across the financial sector that got a lot of people very uneasy very fast. Funny how those that have the most demanding and stressful jobs in the world are also those that are attached to their jobs the most. Compensation, personal satisfaction, sense of pride, the list of justifications go on and on. It’s just weird how people get attached to jobs that once they are out of, they very quickly see that was detrimental to their quality of life anyways. But it’s hard to see it when you’re in it.

Very much like relationships.

In any case I must say for better or for worse, these are exciting times. And this is an exciting place to be in.

Will the cab please hurry the frick up. I want to go and take a nice 3S and get ready to curl in bed. The meter is now 16.00, and I predict will reach 25.00 upon home, which means I'm....64% home. Damned numbers. Still can't stop doing them automatically.

My mozzarella garlic bread, leftovers from my dinner in the office, lies nonchalantly next to me in the cab. Like I said, I felt something nasty oncoming, and thought it wise not to glut on this here tasty morsel at the time. Likewise typing in this bumpy cab, my stomach does not presently feel any love for it (him?). I think I shall toast him for breakfast. That sounded malicious, but I do not care. At this tired state, I feel like being malicious.

22.00. I think we may not reach 25.00.

Feeling queasy. Maybe typing in a car isn't such a good idea.

We're pulling up. I'm losing the will to write in the anticipation of home. Plus I need to put this away and pull out my wallet to pay.

Home. It's 23.20. I will pay for 24.00.

I'm home. Good night.

Bloodninja 2 - HARRRRRR

2008-04-15T23:49:00.007+01:00

Pretty damn tired from work today, just a quick post. Going to be a crazy week ahead in terms of work....

Installment 2 of the legendary bloodninja - not safe for young uns so be forewarned! :)

Read the other posts here:
Bloodninja 1 - Robe and wizard hat
Bloodninja 3 - Pizza delivery
Bloodninja 4 - Green thumbs
Bloodninja 5 - One of Those Nights
Bloodninja 6 - Your schlong!

***

sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17:
bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
bloodninja: This **** is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a ******* break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are ******* sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: **** you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU ********!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go **** yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: **** YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a ******* *******!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me.
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth ****.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your **** bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I **** harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your *******.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: **** YOU *******!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

Bloodninja 1 - I put on my robe and wizard hat.

2008-04-15T08:51:00.011+01:00

Bloodninja is awesome. You might have seen this already, but always worth a re-read in any case. If you haven't, enjoy...

The setting is basically a cyber-sex chatroom - where bloodninja makes it his number one objective to make sure all scenarios end in cataclysmic wrongness.

Read the other posts here:
Bloodninja 2 - HARRRRR
Bloodninja 3 - Pizza delivery
Bloodninja 4 - Green thumbs
Bloodninja 5 - One of Those Nights
Bloodninja 6 - Your schlong!

Bloodninja by bloodninja

***

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

BritneySpears14: Aight.

bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.

bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.

bloodninja: Me too baby.

BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.

bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

BritneySpears14: Hey...

bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.

bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.

BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.

bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.

bloodninja: Baby?

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bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.

j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.

bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.

j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.

j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.

bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.

j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.

j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.

bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.

j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.

bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.

j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.

bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.

j_gurli3: thats it.

bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.

bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

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BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?

eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.

BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.

eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.

BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.

BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.

eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.

BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.

eminemBNJA: Oh ****

BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.

eminemBNJA: Oh ****

eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something